by Steve Ritter | Jun 10, 2026 | Marriage & Family, Relationships
Whether the relationship is romantic, social, or professional, some partnerships stand the test of time with an ever-deepening connection. While most friendships level out at a certain depth, best friends share something that feels eternal. Each day and each stage of the alliance’s lifespan is refreshed with every exchange. Sure, there are plateaus – but the long-term trajectory themes upward. Best friends swim side-by-side through both calm and turbulent waters. So, what are the ingredients of this magic?
Boundaries
No matter the closeness, all relationships require boundaries. The worst thing you can do to a partner is assume you know them fully. Every closeness is enabled by some distance. The amount of distance is determined by the nature of the partnership, ranging from intimate to casual. Whatever the bond, there are always boundaries. Two people are not one person.
Curiosity
The wonder should never cease. Every moment should be filled with genuine interest in what your mate thinks and feels. Whatever time has elapsed since your last contact should be accompanied by a growing urge to find out what’s happened in their absence. Each reunion begins with a catch-up.
Commitment
Trust is strengthened by the understanding that the relationship is resilient. There is no disagreement that cannot be addressed through dialogue rooted in understanding. Some version of ‘through thick and thin’ or ‘for better or for worse’ remains in play when tension threatens the foundation of the connection. You’re in it for the long haul.
Sacrifice
Acknowledging that no one serves from an empty vessel, caring for yourself enables you to put your partner’s needs first when necessary. The connection is reciprocal, so you can trust that they are prioritizing your needs as well. The balance works, even when it occasionally falls out of balance.
Permission for Growth
Everything evolves, though not always at the same pace. Because change can feel like loss, it’s a trap to want your relationship to stay the same. Stability is a myth. Allowing for growth and change fuels renewal. Nothing becomes stale.
Productive Disagreement
You and your best friend are not the same person. You have different histories and diverse perspectives. Healthy debate becomes a well-played game. Conflict is a gift. The partnership becomes an invitation for epiphanies as you find yourself saying, “Huh, I never thought of it that way.”
Attraction
Some connections have a magnetic pull that stays in force even when times are tough. Often called ‘chemistry,’ it is that gravitational reality that parallel lines are meant to intersect. In the grand scheme of the universe, certain orbits are designed to align.
It is the lucky human who gets to experience these ingredients with loved ones, friends, or colleagues. If you happen to be in this club of good fortune, treat the rarity as a treasure. Take nothing for granted and keep investing. You get what you give.
by Steve Ritter | Dec 3, 2025 | Marriage & Family, Relationships, Workplace
Her husband complains about not getting enough action in bed, yet offers little help with the kids or the housework. In the workplace, his employees are criticized for being under-engaged, yet he hasn’t taken the time to learn anything about their strengths and priorities. With friends, he only talks about himself, yet wonders why he wasn’t invited to be in the foursome at the charity golf outing. From his perspective, his wife, his coworkers, and his buddies are the problem. But they’re all trying to find a way to hold up a mirror so he can see what they see.
Where does he go from here? Scratch the itch, or find out why it itches?
Home
Is the lack of sex the symptom or the source of the problem? The husband might argue that he would be more willing to help out if his wife were more willing to put out. The wife might respond that it’s hard to be attracted to someone who doesn’t partner with her anywhere else in their life together. Perhaps more kindness and collaboration might strengthen the connection. When the source of the problem is addressed, the symptoms ease.
Work
Is the lack of employee engagement the symptom or the source of the problem? The department manager might argue that his employees need to run faster and jump higher. The employees might be seeking a reason to do so. Maybe there’s a shared goal that everyone can get juiced about. What if their boss showed that he cared about them as people rather than mere cogs in his machine? When the source is addressed, the symptoms ease.
Social Life
Is the absence of attention the symptom or the source of the problem? Friend groups typically have givers and takers. The takers get many of their needs met, but their lack of generosity eventually uses up whatever grace the tolerance of selfishness has earned. Givers, on the other hand, accrue a bank of goodwill by feeding the wellness of the relationship with interest. When the source is addressed, the symptoms ease.
Scratching an itch usually makes it itch more, offering only temporary relief. When you find and treat the cause of the irritation, the discomfort goes away and stays away. The symptoms are there for a reason. They provide a road map to the source of the problem if you can endure them long enough to follow the path.
If, however, you opt to make the symptoms go away first, the problem becomes more deeply rooted. Rest assured, the symptoms will return soon. Like many chronic issues, the themes and patterns have been revisited over the lifespan of the relationship. Whether at home, work, or out with friends, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Eventually, it’s time to cut the head off the monster.
About the Author
Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.
by Steve Ritter | Jan 6, 2025 | Career, Counseling, Marriage & Family, Parenting, Relationships
It doesn’t take much of a physics lesson to understand how people share energy. Often, you can feel the vibe of a room within seconds of entering. Sometimes it’s just the space but, most of the time, it’s the people in the space. Emotions are contagious, positive or negative. You can lift or sink someone with a glance. And whether your energy-sharing partner is a friend or a stranger, you can be knocked off balance by imperceptible shifts in their mood.
If you’ve ever ‘felt’ someone’s presence, you’ve experienced the power of physics. Back in middle school, we used to have contests to see who could get the targeted classmate to turn around and look because they sensed they were being stared at. It works. Recently, a colleague described her son’s surprise when she anticipated his question. “I could feel you,” was her reply when he asked her how she managed to read his mind.
Communication is constant and not limited to the exchange of words. Words are useful tools for capturing detail and clarifying misunderstanding. Usually, however, the message has already been previewed by unspoken expression.
Furrowed brows, deep sighs, folded arms, clenched teeth, and eye rolls are among the loudest forms of nonverbal communication. They are barely nonverbal, as they are intended to send clear messages. More subtle, though, is the way the temperature and atmospheric conditions change in a space that is populated by someone with strong emotions.
We are all mind-readers, though not always accurate. Most frequently, our misperceptions are the result of unconscious bias and our brain’s need to predict a future that doesn’t conflict with our biases. The faster you rush to judgment, the more likely you are to misperceive. You’re both wrong and certain at the same moment.
Seek understanding relentlessly. Double and triple-check dialogues with “So, what I heard you say was...” verifications. Then, listen with both ears and ask again. Factor in the nonverbals until the message both spoken and unspoken are aligned.
If they don’t align, it’s most likely that the nonverbals hold the truth.
About the Author
Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.
by Steve Ritter | Oct 15, 2024 | Marriage & Family, Parenting, Relationships
Multiple choice. What would you do with each scenario? Each option has longer term consequences beyond the immediate response to the challenge. Sometimes, that’s the decision: immediate relief versus lasting lesson.
Scenario #1
The challenge: It’s time to leave for school and your daughter refuses to wear the shoes you’ve selected.
Your options:
- Hold firm and brace yourself for a fight.
- Give in. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
- Threaten some delayed consequence if she doesn’t comply and hope she gives in.
Scenario #2
The challenge: The dinner you prepared (healthy) is met with protests from the kids. They are demanding an alternative (less healthy) or else refusing to eat.
Your options:
- Scramble to put a frozen pizza in the oven.
- Craft a lecture about the vicissitudes of healthy eating.
- Let them go hungry.
Scenario #3
The challenge: Your son times his tantrum with the arrival of your house guests. He insists on going to a friend’s house, which you’ve already nixed.
Your options:
- Let him go and save face with your guests.
- Hold the line and endure the embarrassment of your guests judging you as a bad parent.
- Provide an alternative version of entertainment that is better than hanging with friends.
Millennial parents have different priorities than their Boomer parents taught. Often, that’s the vibe of generational transitions – improve upon the experience of your family-of-origin. Of all the species on the planet, human lifespans have evolved to enable grandparent insight while the little ones are still little. Yet, the advice and guidance of the elders is not always relevant or welcomed.
What’s your scenario? How would your parents have handled it? Why would you manage it differently? Down the road, how would you imagine your kids will handle it when it’s your grandkids acting up?
Everything cycles.
About the Author
Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.
by Steve Ritter | Sep 20, 2023 | Marriage & Family, Parenting
We teach kids coping skills by exposing them to situations that require coping skills. However, care must be taken to remain within the limits of their developmental stage. Until the brain becomes capable of abstract thought, there’s a potential for them to misinterpret information in concrete terms.
A client once shared concern about her son who seemed unable to recover from the grief that set in after his grandmother’s funeral. The parent assumed her child was having difficulty processing the loss. It turned out that he had overheard the selection of a ‘walnut’ casket and had spent weeks wondering how grandma was going to get out of the walnut. Pretty typical mistake for a seven-year-old.
Before we share the gravity of adult business with our kids, it’s wise to get behind their eyes and imagine how they’ll interpret the data. In some situations, you simply edit the language of the information to match their developmental readiness. At other times, it’s better to buffer them completely.
When life appears normal in the day-to-day experience of a child, parents can attend to the complexities of the crisis without creating needless vulnerability in the family system. This results in a stabilization that enables a more measured form of sharing. Once the circumstances have settled, parents can evaluate how much information and in what language best fits each kid.
The goal is the wellness of the family system. Parents are at the nucleus and hold responsibility for filtering environmental stress in the best interests of their children. Sometimes, exposure is the path and the fallout triggers growth. Often, however, a more strategic approach promotes understanding that is aligned with each kid’s readiness.
When the crisis hits, take a moment to assess the wisdom of discussing the upset at the dinner table, or quietly after the kids have gone to bed. Whichever you decide, let the best interests of your children be the guide. A gentle buffer might enable the protection they are not yet able to provide for themselves.
About the Author
Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.
by Steve Ritter | Aug 25, 2023 | Counseling, Marriage & Family, Parenting
Those of us who take care of kids professionally have a unique perspective. We see both the parenting strategies of the caregivers and the consequences on child development. Breaking news: they’re related.
If you parent from a helicopter, it’s not realistic to expect your kids to develop autonomy. They will defer to your judgment, especially when the circumstances involve risk and you make it a habit to swoop in and prevent crisis. Heaven forbid that my kid falls and gets hurt.
If you prefer to fight your kid’s battles on their behalf, don’t expect your child to learn how to stand up for themselves. Instead, they will protest past your patience threshold so you are compelled to solve the problem just to quiet the noise. It’s all about anxiety reduction – yours as much as theirs.
We treat anxiety as though it is poison. Soothe the symptom as soon as possible rather than considering the problem that generates the stress. If our efforts are focused on symptom reduction, the problem is guaranteed to send its roots deeper.
What if parents set the example and looked the discomfort straight in the eye until, despite the discomfort, the reason became clear? Solve THAT problem. Parents learn how to parent, and kids learn how to grow.
As long as our adult decisions are guided by achieving peace and quiet, our children will compel us to make them happy. If making kids happy is the goal, we have to sacrifice the construction of healthy coping skills and resilience.
True happiness doesn’t result from removing conflict from life experience. It comes from the evolving capacity to manage life’s challenges effectively. That ability only unfolds when coping is required.
It rubs against all instinct to let your kid fall. Imagine teaching your child to ride a bike in hopes of seeing them learn how to maintain balance. How long to you hold on to the back of the seat as you run up and down the sidewalk? The ability to balance only emerges at the moment that you let go of the seat.
About the Author
Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.
