by Steve Ritter | Sep 5, 2026 | Wellness
Lowering your heartrate by 7 beats-per-minute on demand is not a parlor trick. It is a coping tool and anyone can do it. Everyone knows that we process information more accurately and make more prudent decisions when not dysregulated. Yet, life’s circumstances regularly cause upset. Getting from anxious or mad to calm and clear is a universal human challenge.
Biofeedback practitioners have been teaching patients how to alter psychophysiology for half a century. These meditative mind-body techniques affect heartrate, blood pressure, muscle tension, and – most importantly – brain speed. Unfortunately, when we are in crisis mode and the brain is spinning at greater than twelve cycles/second, we lose access to memory.
Think of the proverbial ‘tip-of-the-tongue’ experience when you can’t retrieve an obvious nugget of information. The harder you try (the faster the brain speed), the further out of reach the nugget becomes. As soon as you stop trying to remember, the elusive piece of data comes rushing forward as you slap your forehead and call yourself something derogatory.
The technique is pretty simple and improves with practice.
1. Make sure you are breathing with your diaphragm (kids call it ‘belly-breathing’).
2. Inhale into your belly for about 4 seconds and let the exhale leak out slowly for about 8 seconds.
3. Bring a peaceful mantra to mind during each exhalation.
4. Repeat 3-4 times as your mind and body comes to rest.
In addition to simply feeling better, the ‘Instant Calma’ exercise brings immediate clarity. You regain access to memory which empowers the ability to weigh options when solving problems. You can retrieve the learning from similar past challenges that you have already solved. A previously intense focal point broadens to reveal context for consideration.
Give it a try. Grab your smart watch or any method for tracking your pulse. Mark your baseline and see how much change you can generate in a minute’s time. Poise under pressure – on demand!
by Steve Ritter | Jul 8, 2026 | Marriage & Family, Relationships
“Who would think THAT’S okay?” “When did THAT become acceptable?” “How could anyone possibly like THAT?” Technically, these are questions, but in actuality, they are statements. Each question is a judgment that anyone who thinks or acts differently than I do has it all wrong – because everyone is supposed to share the same opinions, like the same music, appreciate the same food, and make the same choices that I would make. Why would they not, after all?
I once joked with a friend who held different political views from mine that, if I had grown up with his circumstances, I’d be a jerk, too. Not exactly empathy, huh? Rather than seeking to better understand the ‘why’ behind his perspective, I labeled him. In doing so, I instantly cut off any dialogue that would make his choices make sense. I dismissed context with humor.
Fortunately, my friend found my joke funny enough to engage in a serious conversation about our differences – not just in our points of view, but in the contrasting background life experiences that shaped our distinct paths. We grew up in different neighborhoods with different family structures. Our economic situations afforded different levels of privilege. Our role models taught different lessons during our formative years. We had each experienced the lasting impact of different traumatic events.
We were wired differently. One of us was more cautious while the other more adventurous. Our tastes in art, music, and literature left us with few aesthetic treasures to share. We cheered for different sports teams. We voted for opposing presidential candidates. So, what was the foundation that held this friendship together?
It was the very differences themselves. It was the movement from tension to resolution that each interaction invited. It was the richness of a fresh view when you’ve been seeing something the same way for too long. It was the fun and excitement that arise from an edgy debate.
It was the depth of truly knowing someone deeply that comes from the willingness to see their world through their eyes. It was the satisfaction of being understood by someone who remained interested and engaged, despite being stirred up by controversy. It was the accrued years spent together that survived countless disagreements.
Neither side needs to come to the other to form a partnership. In fact, bringing both sides together enriches the alliance. Distance creates closeness. Dependency supports independence. Innovation arises from investment. Loss yearns for attachment.
Opposites attract.
by Steve Ritter | Jun 26, 2026 | Marriage & Family, Relationships
Sometimes the voice in your head is louder than the voice entering your ears. The brain’s input is filtered and categorized so quickly that the chance for an unbiased reaction disappears. Imagine if you could lean in and step back at the same time. You could keep the big picture in focus while zooming in on the detail. The greater the stress of the situation, the harder it is to do both.
Maturity and experience make it easier to keep perspective under pressure. When you’ve been through a few unexpected events, they seem less like a crisis. The typical symptoms of dysregulation are less likely to be triggered. In the absence of a fight, flight, or freeze response, information is processed more accurately, and problem-solving is enabled.
Lean in or step back.
This is difficult. Calm objectivity requires distance (spectator), yet emergent circumstances call for closeness (participant). One tends to switch off when the other switches on. The goal is not to have them both switched on at once, but to be able to toggle back and forth on demand.
Participate to stay engaged and spectate to gather context. Move in and out as needed. At any given moment, the voice in your head might have more valuable messaging than the noise on the outside. Likewise, tuning into the environment can pull you out of the rabbit hole when you’ve gone too deep.
Whether you choose to focus on the foreground or the background, they both exist. The trick is to not lose sight of one while you’re prioritizing the other. Over-attention to either is usually a signal to toggle.
Participate and spectate at the same time.
by Steve Ritter | Jun 10, 2026 | Marriage & Family, Relationships
Whether the relationship is romantic, social, or professional, some partnerships stand the test of time with an ever-deepening connection. While most friendships level out at a certain depth, best friends share something that feels eternal. Each day and each stage of the alliance’s lifespan is refreshed with every exchange. Sure, there are plateaus – but the long-term trajectory themes upward. Best friends swim side-by-side through both calm and turbulent waters. So, what are the ingredients of this magic?
Boundaries
No matter the closeness, all relationships require boundaries. The worst thing you can do to a partner is assume you know them fully. Every closeness is enabled by some distance. The amount of distance is determined by the nature of the partnership, ranging from intimate to casual. Whatever the bond, there are always boundaries. Two people are not one person.
Curiosity
The wonder should never cease. Every moment should be filled with genuine interest in what your mate thinks and feels. Whatever time has elapsed since your last contact should be accompanied by a growing urge to find out what’s happened in their absence. Each reunion begins with a catch-up.
Commitment
Trust is strengthened by the understanding that the relationship is resilient. There is no disagreement that cannot be addressed through dialogue rooted in understanding. Some version of ‘through thick and thin’ or ‘for better or for worse’ remains in play when tension threatens the foundation of the connection. You’re in it for the long haul.
Sacrifice
Acknowledging that no one serves from an empty vessel, caring for yourself enables you to put your partner’s needs first when necessary. The connection is reciprocal, so you can trust that they are prioritizing your needs as well. The balance works, even when it occasionally falls out of balance.
Permission for Growth
Everything evolves, though not always at the same pace. Because change can feel like loss, it’s a trap to want your relationship to stay the same. Stability is a myth. Allowing for growth and change fuels renewal. Nothing becomes stale.
Productive Disagreement
You and your best friend are not the same person. You have different histories and diverse perspectives. Healthy debate becomes a well-played game. Conflict is a gift. The partnership becomes an invitation for epiphanies as you find yourself saying, “Huh, I never thought of it that way.”
Attraction
Some connections have a magnetic pull that stays in force even when times are tough. Often called ‘chemistry,’ it is that gravitational reality that parallel lines are meant to intersect. In the grand scheme of the universe, certain orbits are designed to align.
It is the lucky human who gets to experience these ingredients with loved ones, friends, or colleagues. If you happen to be in this club of good fortune, treat the rarity as a treasure. Take nothing for granted and keep investing. You get what you give.
by Steve Ritter | May 28, 2026 | Counseling
Helping has a sweet spot. Too little can leave the client with insufficient resources. Too much can risk disabling their agency. You can show me, teach me, or leave me to my own devices to figure things out. A talented coach or counselor senses which path is best for this particular person in this particular moment.
Professional helpers have a tendency to lean in. Being helpful scratches an itch. The itch is lifelong and was partially responsible for their career choice. We give most to others that which we would most like to receive. If coaches and counselors are unaware of this tendency, they end up meeting their own needs at the expense of their client’s. They take care of others to take care of themselves. Oops.
Hovering is a simple example. The helper positions themselves to catch a fall rather than allowing their client to stumble and learn the lessons that follow. It keeps the client stumbling and keeps the coach in business. It’s the ultimate collusion, and it fails to empower autonomy.
Helpers benefit from the understanding that their job is to put themselves out of a job. The purpose of their existence is to help their clients not need them. The sooner the client has the tools to navigate life independently, the more successful the professional alliance has been.
One of the most satisfying nuggets of feedback a caregiver receives from an emancipating adolescent is, “Thank you for not being a helicopter parent.” That is the kid’s way of appreciating the empowerment the parent has provided to nudge them toward adulthood. It’s also a useful metaphor for the way we, as adults, help other adults.
So, when the consultant is asked how long the consultation engagement should take, the answer is, “As short as possible.”
