There was a bad decision. It didn’t work out. People are talking. Your reputation has been stained. Now what? Own it? Full disclosure? “Umm…this happened. We’re sorry for the consequences. We wish we could take it back but, unfortunately, the damage is done. Here’s what we’re going to do next.”

Many years ago, I was heckled by two professors who believed I was under-credentialed to be speaking on the topic I had been hired by the college to present. When word of the event got to the college president, he was mortified by his faculty’s behavior, and he required my colleagues to formally apologize.

It was easy for the ringleader. In a monotone, he said, “sorry.” Absent of meaning, it sounded like a kid trying to get out of trouble. So, I said, “Say it like you mean it.” He paused, rolled his eyes, let out a deep sigh, and said, “SORRY.” Done.

His co-heckler took a different approach. She was embarrassed by having been led into unprofessionalism and wished she could rewind history. She sheepishly approached me, and she fell to tears. She explained that she had gotten caught up in the moment and had regretted her actions ever since.

Seeing that she was unable to find the right words to apologize, I encouraged her to let it go. Lesson learned. There was nothing more that either of us needed to make it right. Move on.

Apologizing is difficult. Here’s a template: I effed up. I didn’t intend to eff up, but I now see that I did. I’m sorry. I wish I could have a do-over, but that’s not the way life works. So, all I can do is apologize and try to do better in the future.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

We are all some blend of our ancestors’ genetics and the environmental experience we’ve traveled. My mom was a creative and my dad was an engineer. She told captivating stories while he studied the ingredients on a catsup bottle. I got a little of both. But my environment shaped the outcome.

Nature or nurture? Face it, we all become some variation of our parents eventually – unless we see the landmines and decide to make changes. Perhaps the goal is to capture the best of previous generations and avoid the pitfalls of passing our pathology on to the next generation.

So how do you do that when most of the pathology you prefer not to pass along exists in your blind spot? An accountability partner is the answer. Maybe it’s your spouse who annoyingly points out all the words and behaviors that get under their skin. Perhaps it’s your most trusted coworker who has your best interests at heart and is awkwardly trying to find a tactful way to give you sensitive feedback.

Sometimes it’s your middle-of-the-night epiphany when you realize you are stepping in the same pile of dog do you stepped in before. The source of your insight matters less than the choice about what to do about it. Insight is worthless without action. Action is, likewise, meaningless unless it is sustained.

It’s about how you show up – not under normal circumstances – but under stressful conditions when your blind spots get activated. Make the unconscious conscious. Listen to the whispers that you might be, once again, becoming the parent you were trying not to be. Instead, become the person that your kids, friends, and coworkers will see as a role model.

This is how nurture beats nature.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.