by Steve Ritter | Jul 8, 2026 | Marriage & Family, Relationships
“Who would think THAT’S okay?” “When did THAT become acceptable?” “How could anyone possibly like THAT?” Technically, these are questions, but in actuality, they are statements. Each question is a judgment that anyone who thinks or acts differently than I do has it all wrong – because everyone is supposed to share the same opinions, like the same music, appreciate the same food, and make the same choices that I would make. Why would they not, after all?
I once joked with a friend who held different political views from mine that, if I had grown up with his circumstances, I’d be a jerk, too. Not exactly empathy, huh? Rather than seeking to better understand the ‘why’ behind his perspective, I labeled him. In doing so, I instantly cut off any dialogue that would make his choices make sense. I dismissed context with humor.
Fortunately, my friend found my joke funny enough to engage in a serious conversation about our differences – not just in our points of view, but in the contrasting background life experiences that shaped our distinct paths. We grew up in different neighborhoods with different family structures. Our economic situations afforded different levels of privilege. Our role models taught different lessons during our formative years. We had each experienced the lasting impact of different traumatic events.
We were wired differently. One of us was more cautious while the other more adventurous. Our tastes in art, music, and literature left us with few aesthetic treasures to share. We cheered for different sports teams. We voted for opposing presidential candidates. So, what was the foundation that held this friendship together?
It was the very differences themselves. It was the movement from tension to resolution that each interaction invited. It was the richness of a fresh view when you’ve been seeing something the same way for too long. It was the fun and excitement that arise from an edgy debate.
It was the depth of truly knowing someone deeply that comes from the willingness to see their world through their eyes. It was the satisfaction of being understood by someone who remained interested and engaged, despite being stirred up by controversy. It was the accrued years spent together that survived countless disagreements.
Neither side needs to come to the other to form a partnership. In fact, bringing both sides together enriches the alliance. Distance creates closeness. Dependency supports independence. Innovation arises from investment. Loss yearns for attachment.
Opposites attract.
by Steve Ritter | Jun 26, 2026 | Marriage & Family, Relationships
Sometimes the voice in your head is louder than the voice entering your ears. The brain’s input is filtered and categorized so quickly that the chance for an unbiased reaction disappears. Imagine if you could lean in and step back at the same time. You could keep the big picture in focus while zooming in on the detail. The greater the stress of the situation, the harder it is to do both.
Maturity and experience make it easier to keep perspective under pressure. When you’ve been through a few unexpected events, they seem less like a crisis. The typical symptoms of dysregulation are less likely to be triggered. In the absence of a fight, flight, or freeze response, information is processed more accurately, and problem-solving is enabled.
Lean in or step back.
This is difficult. Calm objectivity requires distance (spectator), yet emergent circumstances call for closeness (participant). One tends to switch off when the other switches on. The goal is not to have them both switched on at once, but to be able to toggle back and forth on demand.
Participate to stay engaged and spectate to gather context. Move in and out as needed. At any given moment, the voice in your head might have more valuable messaging than the noise on the outside. Likewise, tuning into the environment can pull you out of the rabbit hole when you’ve gone too deep.
Whether you choose to focus on the foreground or the background, they both exist. The trick is to not lose sight of one while you’re prioritizing the other. Over-attention to either is usually a signal to toggle.
Participate and spectate at the same time.
by Steve Ritter | Jun 10, 2026 | Marriage & Family, Relationships
Whether the relationship is romantic, social, or professional, some partnerships stand the test of time with an ever-deepening connection. While most friendships level out at a certain depth, best friends share something that feels eternal. Each day and each stage of the alliance’s lifespan is refreshed with every exchange. Sure, there are plateaus – but the long-term trajectory themes upward. Best friends swim side-by-side through both calm and turbulent waters. So, what are the ingredients of this magic?
Boundaries
No matter the closeness, all relationships require boundaries. The worst thing you can do to a partner is assume you know them fully. Every closeness is enabled by some distance. The amount of distance is determined by the nature of the partnership, ranging from intimate to casual. Whatever the bond, there are always boundaries. Two people are not one person.
Curiosity
The wonder should never cease. Every moment should be filled with genuine interest in what your mate thinks and feels. Whatever time has elapsed since your last contact should be accompanied by a growing urge to find out what’s happened in their absence. Each reunion begins with a catch-up.
Commitment
Trust is strengthened by the understanding that the relationship is resilient. There is no disagreement that cannot be addressed through dialogue rooted in understanding. Some version of ‘through thick and thin’ or ‘for better or for worse’ remains in play when tension threatens the foundation of the connection. You’re in it for the long haul.
Sacrifice
Acknowledging that no one serves from an empty vessel, caring for yourself enables you to put your partner’s needs first when necessary. The connection is reciprocal, so you can trust that they are prioritizing your needs as well. The balance works, even when it occasionally falls out of balance.
Permission for Growth
Everything evolves, though not always at the same pace. Because change can feel like loss, it’s a trap to want your relationship to stay the same. Stability is a myth. Allowing for growth and change fuels renewal. Nothing becomes stale.
Productive Disagreement
You and your best friend are not the same person. You have different histories and diverse perspectives. Healthy debate becomes a well-played game. Conflict is a gift. The partnership becomes an invitation for epiphanies as you find yourself saying, “Huh, I never thought of it that way.”
Attraction
Some connections have a magnetic pull that stays in force even when times are tough. Often called ‘chemistry,’ it is that gravitational reality that parallel lines are meant to intersect. In the grand scheme of the universe, certain orbits are designed to align.
It is the lucky human who gets to experience these ingredients with loved ones, friends, or colleagues. If you happen to be in this club of good fortune, treat the rarity as a treasure. Take nothing for granted and keep investing. You get what you give.
by Steve Ritter | Dec 3, 2025 | Marriage & Family, Relationships, Workplace
Her husband complains about not getting enough action in bed, yet offers little help with the kids or the housework. In the workplace, his employees are criticized for being under-engaged, yet he hasn’t taken the time to learn anything about their strengths and priorities. With friends, he only talks about himself, yet wonders why he wasn’t invited to be in the foursome at the charity golf outing. From his perspective, his wife, his coworkers, and his buddies are the problem. But they’re all trying to find a way to hold up a mirror so he can see what they see.
Where does he go from here? Scratch the itch, or find out why it itches?
Home
Is the lack of sex the symptom or the source of the problem? The husband might argue that he would be more willing to help out if his wife were more willing to put out. The wife might respond that it’s hard to be attracted to someone who doesn’t partner with her anywhere else in their life together. Perhaps more kindness and collaboration might strengthen the connection. When the source of the problem is addressed, the symptoms ease.
Work
Is the lack of employee engagement the symptom or the source of the problem? The department manager might argue that his employees need to run faster and jump higher. The employees might be seeking a reason to do so. Maybe there’s a shared goal that everyone can get juiced about. What if their boss showed that he cared about them as people rather than mere cogs in his machine? When the source is addressed, the symptoms ease.
Social Life
Is the absence of attention the symptom or the source of the problem? Friend groups typically have givers and takers. The takers get many of their needs met, but their lack of generosity eventually uses up whatever grace the tolerance of selfishness has earned. Givers, on the other hand, accrue a bank of goodwill by feeding the wellness of the relationship with interest. When the source is addressed, the symptoms ease.
Scratching an itch usually makes it itch more, offering only temporary relief. When you find and treat the cause of the irritation, the discomfort goes away and stays away. The symptoms are there for a reason. They provide a road map to the source of the problem if you can endure them long enough to follow the path.
If, however, you opt to make the symptoms go away first, the problem becomes more deeply rooted. Rest assured, the symptoms will return soon. Like many chronic issues, the themes and patterns have been revisited over the lifespan of the relationship. Whether at home, work, or out with friends, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Eventually, it’s time to cut the head off the monster.
About the Author
Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.
by Steve Ritter | Nov 19, 2025 | Relationships
In this week of gratitude sharing, we are all at risk of diluting our ‘thank you’ expressions. It’s as though we’ve saved them up for the holiday and they come pouring out in large volume. When you say any word enough times, it begins to lose its meaning. Yet, we are deeply grateful for the gifts of human connection, the beauty of the universe, and simple good fortune. As you communicate your appreciation, make the most of your moment.
All the performers at a recent holiday music recital shared a surprising act in common. At the conclusion of their performance, they sought out someone to thank. It might have been a bandmate or a family member in the audience that urged them to get up on stage. Whoever the gratitude recipient happened to be, each musician used the moment when the crowd was appreciating them to give credit to someone else.
It was a way of saying, “I was able to be me only because of you.’ Beyond expressing thanks for the general presence of connection, beauty, and good luck, gratitude is specific. Fill in the blanks: “I am grateful for ____________ because ___________.”
At the recital, the specific motivation for my expression of thanks was the amount of time and effort a friend had contributed to preparing for our performance. Far beyond the handful of minutes on stage, there were uncounted hours of homework required to execute the song. At the conclusion of the piece while the audience applauded, all I could think about was all those hours of preparation.
As you sit around the Thanksgiving table with friends and family this week, take the time to share the specifics of your gratitude. The way you express your appreciation is the actual transfer of your warm sentiments to the person who caused them to be warm. What better gift than to return the warmth.
About the Author
Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.
by Steve Ritter | Nov 7, 2025 | Relationships, Wellness
Whether at home, at the workplace, or out with friends, all of our connections live within a proximity to us that we choose. Those who are let into the inner circle are typically the most trusted and have the most extensive relationship history. Those most distant have either earned the need for arms-length or haven’t yet proven their welcome closer to the center. Over time, our connections move in and out, nearer and further, as events unfold that justify their position. However that plays out, each of us is in charge of who populates our concentric circles and where in our personal ecosystems everyone gets to live.
What are the ground rules for deciding who comes close and who remains distant? Let’s define the in/out extremes before we consider the massive grey area that lies between.
The Inner Circle
Trust and safety are non-negotiable criteria for admission to this proximity. You can add the presence of natural chemistry to the desire for closeness, but chemistry dissipates quickly if trust and safety are compromised. Likewise, shared history can carve a path toward the center as long as that pathway hasn’t normalized dysfunctional relationship dynamics. When toxic elements are baked into the recipe, presence in the inner circle perpetuates unhealthy exchanges rather than promoting wellness. So, longevity is not always a reliable variable in this equation.
The Outer Circle
The most likely criteria for distancing someone fall into two categories. First, we all have acquaintances who, for whatever reason, have only existed in peripheral proximity. Examples might include coworkers where the boundaries of the alliance prevent other forms of closeness. Perhaps old childhood neighborhood buddies or school friends simply live in separate space and time. Social media sometimes enables these connections to remain without the need to ever consider a different level of closeness.
The second category includes anyone who has been moved further away as a response to words or actions that violated the trust or safety rules of the circles closer to the center. They may have been expelled and may or may not have been afforded an opportunity to repair the damage and earn their way back in. Again, that is up to the owner of the ecosystem.
The Grey Area
This large space holds most of our connections and is in constant flux. Every action alters proximity to the center in incremental ways, often imperceptible until there’s some reason to take stock in someone’s relocation. Simple acts of kindness move people closer. Dismissive responses push people away. Shared experience accrues over time and inches partners inward. Neglect creates a gradual distance. The beauty of the grey area is the fluctuation.
Take a mental snapshot of your concentric circle map. More than identifying who lives where and why they are near or far, pay attention to the movement. Who is on their way in and why? Who is on their way out and why? It’s your circle.
About the Author
Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.
