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The Kid In The Mirror

The Kid In The Mirror

by | Aug 15, 2023 | Counseling, Parenting, Relationships, Wellness

Whenever we catch our reflection in a mirror, we hope to see good stuff reflected back. If we’re ok with what we find, we might sneak an extra peek. It feels great to experience affirmation about the best of ourselves. It’s not really vanity or narcissism. Just an innocent and normal desire for reassurance.

In fact, that desire goes well beyond physical appearance. We all want to know that our ideas and opinions are valid, so we seek out places they’re reflected back to us positively. Technically, it’s called confirmation bias. When other people feel what we feel and think what we think, we can breathe a sigh of relief. Phew, we got it right!

Whether with politics, ethics, status (money, degrees, job title), or culture (music, art, literature, diet, fashion), we often look around us to find out if we’re on the right track with our decisions. When we’re feeling disordered inside, it’s especially appealing to find reflections of our understanding that can help settle us down.

With kids, however, this process is largely unconscious and nonstop – babies all the way up through teens are in a constant state of refining their core understanding of themselves. It’s like living in a room full of mirrors.

When I was young, the validation I sought out wasn’t always reliable or available, so I found it wherever I could. I had an idea about what relationships should be like, and I attached myself to shows and movies that confirmed my expectations. I was a deep thinker and sensitive kid (in other words, I often felt like a weirdo), so I became drawn to books with characters who fought solitary inner battles and prevailed with quiet cunning and wit.

I crafted my own self-perceptions without an official roadmap and few personal guides. Most of my reflections came from self-selected books and media, which was fairly limited in the 1980s. Today, our kids are drowning in social apps and pop culture influences, whether they ask for them or not. Algorithms lure them down numerous questionable paths that feed them endless material.

While I could curate my own influences and strategically shape my identity through gradual developmental stages, kids these days are at risk for having their sense-of-self engineered at an addictive level. Taking away their screens doesn’t scratch the surface.

It’s normal for parents and educators to want to steer the media narrative, but it’s usually a losing battle. The onslaught is becoming too big and insidious. This is where the mirror concept becomes useful. Because kids typically seek reflections that match what they feel about themselves, caregivers can lay the groundwork early to help them see themselves as responsible, grounded, and thoughtful people. In this way, they’re empowered to act as their own best filter.

Here are some ways to guide them:

  • Name and support their natural strengths – particularly the ones that aren’t always noticed by others.
  • Help them to notice and highlight the natural strengths in everyone else around them.
  • Model optimism and proactive problem-solving, even when the odds are stacked up.
  • Create ways to let them use their unique gifts to make other people’s lives a little bit better.
  • Teach them to think of mistakes as opportunities for learning, rather than a cause for shut-down.
  • Normalize, describe, and let them sit with big feelings – especially the uncomfortable ones.
  • Provide them with chances to apologize, repair, and grow from any damage they may cause.
  • Encourage them to forgive others and seek to understand why other people behave the way they do.

Our kids develop their self-image based upon the reflections that are around them. Luckily, the most powerful ones will always come from the adults in their lives they love and who love them back.

About the Author

Kerry Galarza, MS OTR/L is the Clinical Director and a pediatric occupational therapist at Elmhurst Counseling. She provides specialized assessment and intervention with children of all ages and their families. Kerry engages clients with naturally occurring, meaningful home-based methods to empower autonomy and maximize functioning.

Q and A with the Elmhurst Counseling Leadership Team

Q and A with the Elmhurst Counseling Leadership Team

by | Jul 5, 2023 | Counseling, Wellness

Steve, our Executive Director, and Kerry, our Clinical Director, have a combined 60 years of experience treating kids and families in our community. Just when we think we have seen it all, a complex set of circumstances leads to a request for therapy that requires a new lens for assessment and treatment methods. What follows is a conversation about important questions that arise in our practice.

 

Have you noticed any new themes and patterns in typical family struggles since COVID?

Steve: While it can’t necessarily be fully attributed to COVID, we are seeing a marked increase in anxiety symptoms. During the pandemic, kids, teens, and adults were challenged to cope with circumstances they had never before faced. The degree of safety concern was off the charts and previously acquired coping skills weren’t enough. In the end, crisis creates opportunity. The need to step up coping strategies results in strengthened skills. You must fall to learn how to get back up.

Kerry: Many children are still catching up from lags in social learning. Social and emotional regulation development comes from multiple sources. Kids need to practice self-regulation out in the community where they’re able to take part in all different types of feedback loops. COVID altered some of that learning. Additionally, caregivers who are coping with significant changes and stressors are often caught between a rock and a hard place when it comes to meeting everyone’s needs, and this can have a rippling impact on relationships and resiliency.

 

What is the most common issue presented when families begin therapy?

Steve: Interestingly, it is a regression in development. This is the inevitable consequence of trauma. When our worlds are turned upside down, we return to the last successful coping period. For instance, if a child who has just mastered potty training goes through their parent’s divorce, the most likely symptom will be bedwetting. We all step back one stage to enable comfort when under stress.

Kerry: Regardless of the behavioral difficulties families are experiencing, there’s almost always a ‘systems issue’ occurring underneath that needs attention. This could be in the form of a mismatch between abilities and expectations (occurring outside of the individual), or a disruption of internal body signals and processing (occurring inside the individual). Once we figure out where the root of the problem lives, we can begin targeting it at the source.

 

The behavioral health system seems to be stretched. What’s going on?

Steve: Need has outpaced resources. Acuity levels are higher than ever and the more experienced therapists who manage high acuity have full caseloads and waiting lists. The intensity of care has led many clinicians to leave the profession. It has become unfortunately common to make a call for services once your family has reached crisis level and not get a callback. Our practice is similarly at capacity and we are struggling to offer alternative referrals when we are unable to take a new case.

Kerry: Our society has been experiencing an unprecedented youth mental health crisis for a number of years. Extra psychosocial pressures created by the pandemic and current cultural climate (uncertainty, routine disruption, physical risk, social isolation, loss, etc.) have expounded on this. When adults are stressed, kids are impacted. The stigma around therapy has also been evaporating at a more rapid rate. People aren’t hesitant to seek professional support for themselves and their kids.  

 

What’s the best way to select a therapist?

Steve: Word-of-mouth referrals are always the most reliable. The goal is to find the ideal match between the family’s needs and the therapist’s skills. Beyond that, chemistry matters. Research shows that the greatest predictor of positive clinical outcome is the degree of connection between the client and the therapist from the client’s perspective after the first session.

Kerry: It’s important to find someone who you feel comfortable with, someone who takes the time to understand your needs and your goals, and someone who is willing to do the hard work required to address them. It’s equally important to find someone who fits the logistics of your situation – it doesn’t make sense to drive an hour away if it disrupts the flow of your family and creates new difficulties. Family, friends, and educators are often dependable sources for referrals.

 

What should clients expect when they embark on a therapy engagement?

Steve: First and foremost, respect. We want to understand the world through your eyes. No judgment. Unconditional acceptance. We begin with the understanding that everyone is doing their best. We seek to collaborate with our clients in answering the question, “What would need to be true to make this situation make sense?” Once we’ve gathered an accurate picture of the family’s challenges, we partner in solving problems and strengthening resources.

Kerry: As in any relationship, sufficient time is taken to build rapport and establish a level of trust. This can be especially important in pediatrics, when oftentimes the child themselves didn’t initiate the therapy process. Creating a safe, welcoming environment for younger clients is vital because when kids are comfortable, the engagement is more meaningful, and true growth and learning begin to happen at a much higher caliber.

 

Do you have any guidance for families whose everyday struggles don’t cross the threshold for needing professional help?

Steve: Although counterintuitive, don’t be too quick to make the symptoms of struggle go away. Looking the problem straight in the eye helps you understand its source. Although relieving discomfort makes you feel better temporarily, the roots of the problem grow deeper when unattended and the symptoms are sure to return. There is always a reason for struggle, even when it isn’t immediately apparent. Enduring the pain until the reason becomes clear not only fuels understanding, but it builds coping skills.

Kerry: It might sound simple, but slowing down the pace of life regularly enough to have open-ended and nonjudgmental conversations with key family members can be a tremendous help in resolving struggles. All families benefit from routine check-ins to safely explore viewpoints, feel heard, acknowledge hurt, and problem-solve together – and yet, we rarely take the time to do this. Community support can also be tapped less formally in the form of educators, caregivers, neighbors, and friends. You’re never alone in your struggle, and odds are great that somebody nearby can relate to your plight. It just takes reaching out.

 

What makes the Elmhurst Counseling practice special? Families have many options. Why your team?

Steve: I am proud to anticipate our 40th year helping Elmhurst families when the calendar transitions from 2023 to 2024. We know the community and the community knows us. We have come a long way since 1984, and we have adapted effectively to the changes in the delivery of healthcare services. We are fortunate to have a deeply experienced interdisciplinary team of clinicians with open-minded diagnostic approaches to today’s family challenges.

Kerry: Elmhurst Counseling takes a wide-lens approach to therapeutic services that incorporates mind, body, and environment. We recognize that symptoms of our individual struggles can appear in both our psychology and physiology. The merging of these elements gets to the heart of the challenge, and ultimately, leads to the most effective path of treatment.

 

The choice to engage a therapist is a big decision. You are essentially inviting a professional into the delicate web of your family dynamics. Whether treating the child, the marriage, or the whole family unit, everyone in the system is impacted. In the end, our job is to put ourselves out of a job by equipping families to be their own therapists, so you no longer need us. Until then, we are humbled to be invited into your home.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

A Day in the Life of a Social Worker

A Day in the Life of a Social Worker

by | Jun 5, 2023 | Counseling, Wellness

What happens behind the closed door of the therapy office is often a mystery. By necessity, it’s confidential. Yet beyond the personal details, every clinical alliance unfolds in predictable stages. First, there’s an identifiable beginning, a middle, and an end. Next, each of those stages can be teased apart into those same three categories. In other words, there’s a beginning, middle, and end of the beginning stage, the same three phases are found within the middle stage, and finally, the same three phases are within the end stage. All in all, nine stages.

Now that you’ve been thoroughly confused, let’s take a glimpse at each of the nine stages of the clinical alliance in an imaginary 20-session engagement:

 

Beginning

Early-Beginning (sessions 1 – 2):

  • Welcome the client and invite a healing/learning partnership.

Mid-Beginning (sessions 3 – 4):

  • Gather a comprehensive history with unconditional support and acceptance.

Late-Beginning (sessions 5 – 6):

  • Engage in a working alliance with defined goals and expected outcomes.

 

Middle

Early-Middle (sessions 7 – 8):

  • Maintain a holding environment for pain, struggle, and collaborative discovery.

Mid-Middle (sessions 9 – 11):

  • Investigate the relationship between the client’s history and current circumstances.

Late-Middle (sessions 12 – 13):

  • Invite a new understanding of recurrent cognitive, affective, and behavioral themes.

 

End

Early-Ending (sessions 14 – 16):

  • Teach and practice healthy coping strategies to support a corrective experience.

Mid-Ending (sessions 17 – 18):

  • Empower the transition of gains from the clinical alliance to relationships outside of therapy.

Late-Ending (sessions 19 – 20):

  • Review progress, anticipate future challenges/coping plan, and facilitate emancipation.

 

Clean and simple, right? Establish a working partnership. Gather history and set goals. Create a safe environment to explore the relationship between past traumas and current struggles. Teach coping skills. Test them outside the therapy setting. Set the client free.

As therapists, our job is to put ourselves out of a job by making our clients their own therapists.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

Think Globally Act Locally

Think Globally Act Locally

by | May 11, 2023 | Counseling, Marriage & Family, Parenting, Wellness

A trusted friend recently reminded us that sometimes the problem is bigger than the solution. “One finger does not lift 1,000 people,” he said, quoting an adage from his country of origin. There, he shared, the depth of national crisis leaves most leaders at a loss for how to make even a tiny dent. So you lift what one finger is able to lift.

Our country is currently in the throws of a mental health crisis. It has two prongs. First, the acuity level struggle among children and teens is at unprecedented levels. Second, there is a shortage of available resources. A shrinking pool of therapists is either backed up with untenable waiting lists or burned out from the long hours and the clinical intensity of the work. Often, it’s both.

So, what can you do if your kiddos are struggling and you can’t find a local resource? In our practice, we field numerous requests with limited clinician availability. We match client needs with therapist skills to the best of our ability and refer out to trusted colleagues when we are unable to provide the needed service. For most families, unless you are lucky enough to snag one of our limited hours, that doesn’t help much.

While you can’t control the availability of community resources, you can influence the wellness of your home. And although you can’t alter the choices of everyone who impacts your family, you are in charge of your home ecosystem. Start there. Your need for outside resources may be less urgent if you are able to stabilize the rhythm and buttress the structure of the crew that makes up your home.

Often, this is precisely the guidance that paid professionals provide:

  • Ensure that everyone is honoring the basics of respect, trust, health, and safety.
  • Call time-out when a crisis alters the family norm, so there’s time to process the change.
  • Attend to little problems before they have a chance to take root and get big.
  • Allow stress to activate coping skills before solving the challenge prematurely.

If you performed an informal check-up on your family’s well-being, you would probably discover some opportunities to put these in play. Are respect, trust, health, and safety your priorities? Are you slowing down enough to discuss transitions? Are you practicing early detection/early intervention to the best of your ability? Are you allowing adaptability to develop rather than jumping in to solve problems too quickly?

You might not need a therapist. Or maybe a session or two gets things on track. Think globally, act locally.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

You Have This Moment

You Have This Moment

by | Apr 1, 2023 | Marriage & Family, Parenting, Wellness

What’s in front of you at any given moment is your life, quite literally. Here’s the dictionary definition of life (n.): “the animate, immediate existence of an individual.” Let’s stop here. The picture is too big. The present is sacred and it’s the only time we really have.

Taking things for granted is a common trap. If we fail to take advantage of the present moment, the odds are good we will also fail to do so at some hypothetical moment in the future. Keeping ourselves in a constant mode of preparation for the next thing means we’re always keeping our gaze on something that doesn’t exist.

Stakes are higher when we have rapidly growing kids. Blink, and your baby starts kindergarten. Blink again, and your kindergartener has the car keys. Children don’t wait around for us to start paying attention. Time marches on and takes childhood right along with it.

Stressful, right?

The big problem is that parenting requires tons of planning and a near-constant juggling act. How can we possibly balance everyone’s needs while fully appreciating our kids during the short time we have them around? It’s a puzzle I’ve struggled with personally since the moment my oldest son was born.

I’m sorry to report that I haven’t discovered the universal secret sauce to staying present and keeping all the balls in the air, but I have stumbled upon something that makes it easier. It’s the same thing I teach even my youngest clients when they come to me overwhelmed by life.

Breathe.

It seems foolishly simple, I know. But when we simply attend to our breathing we refocus on what’s real. Not yesterday’s memories. Not tomorrow’s projections. Right now. In doing so, we surrender the stressors that are out of our immediate control – if even for a moment.

Yes, there’s a high-stakes assignment due this weekend. Yes, that bully at school will need to be dealt with on Monday. Right now, you have a moment to breathe and see clearly. Inhale deeply. Exhale slowly.

Preparing for what’s to come is easier when you have presence of mind. By some miracle, staying in the present makes it more possible to manage your future with clarity and grace. Breathing in the moment keeps you grounded and lifts the weight of uncertainty. It narrows your focus while broadening your perspective.

It just feels a whole lot better, too – because deep down, we all understand that each new moment is the only thing we truly possess.

About the Author

Kerry Galarza, MS OTR/L is the Clinical Director and a pediatric occupational therapist at Elmhurst Counseling. She provides specialized assessment and intervention with children of all ages and their families. Kerry engages clients with naturally occurring, meaningful home-based methods to empower autonomy and maximize functioning.

The Case Against Perfection

The Case Against Perfection

by | Jan 16, 2023 | Marriage & Family, Parenting, Relationships, Wellness

We all enter parenthood with the hope that we’ll do it right. As our kids don’t come with instruction manuals, we read blogs, buy books, ask questions, and take notes about others’ successes. We catalog the wins and losses from our own childhoods. With a blend of confidence and trepidation, we imagine cheerful, happy children and a joyful family.

Then life happens.

Our babies grow. They challenge us. We make mistakes. We lose our temper. We yell. We worry, feel frustration, and maybe even rage. We’re embarrassed to imagine what others might think if they knew the truth about what happens behind closed doors. We lay awake feeling guilty and wonder where it all went wrong, and why we’re so bad at this.

And yet… what if the point isn’t blissful perfection?

Compassion and hope live in the mending process that occurs whenever we’ve messed up. With each misstep, we have an opportunity to model for our children that we can grow from the stumble. Kids develop a healthier sense of themselves every time they see us fix our mistakes and give ourselves grace. A connection broken and mended is often stronger than a connection never broken.

Not only is the goal of perfection a setup for failure, but its pursuit prevents growth. Our kids yearn to see how we navigate adversity and solve problems. For them, it’s like watching a compelling sitcom. The plot toggles between conflict and resolution in each episode.

Kids only get to witness this when we give ourselves permission to struggle. They learn as we learn. We become authentically human in their eyes. They discover that not knowing what to do is okay because it leads to exploration. They come to see that mistakes are opportunities.

Parenting is hard. There is not a parent alive who hasn’t been overwhelmed by the process. But in the end, when repair occurs, everyone benefits from the growth and closeness that comes from shared experience and understanding.

About the Author

Kerry Galarza, MS OTR/L is the Clinical Director and a pediatric occupational therapist at Elmhurst Counseling. She provides specialized assessment and intervention with children of all ages and their families. Kerry engages clients with naturally occurring, meaningful home-based methods to empower autonomy and maximize functioning.