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How to Thank

How to Thank

by | Nov 19, 2025 | Relationships

In this week of gratitude sharing, we are all at risk of diluting our ‘thank you’ expressions. It’s as though we’ve saved them up for the holiday and they come pouring out in large volume. When you say any word enough times, it begins to lose its meaning. Yet, we are deeply grateful for the gifts of human connection, the beauty of the universe, and simple good fortune. As you communicate your appreciation, make the most of your moment.

All the performers at a recent holiday music recital shared a surprising act in common. At the conclusion of their performance, they sought out someone to thank. It might have been a bandmate or a family member in the audience that urged them to get up on stage. Whoever the gratitude recipient happened to be, each musician used the moment when the crowd was appreciating them to give credit to someone else.

It was a way of saying, “I was able to be me only because of you.’ Beyond expressing thanks for the general presence of connection, beauty, and good luck, gratitude is specific. Fill in the blanks: “I am grateful for ____________ because ___________.”

At the recital, the specific motivation for my expression of thanks was the amount of time and effort a friend had contributed to preparing for our performance. Far beyond the handful of minutes on stage, there were uncounted hours of homework required to execute the song. At the conclusion of the piece while the audience applauded, all I could think about was all those hours of preparation.

As you sit around the Thanksgiving table with friends and family this week, take the time to share the specifics of your gratitude. The way you express your appreciation is the actual transfer of your warm sentiments to the person who caused them to be warm. What better gift than to return the warmth.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

Concentric Circles

Concentric Circles

by | Nov 7, 2025 | Relationships, Wellness

Whether at home, at the workplace, or out with friends, all of our connections live within a proximity to us that we choose. Those who are let into the inner circle are typically the most trusted and have the most extensive relationship history. Those most distant have either earned the need for arms-length or haven’t yet proven their welcome closer to the center. Over time, our connections move in and out, nearer and further, as events unfold that justify their position. However that plays out, each of us is in charge of who populates our concentric circles and where in our personal ecosystems everyone gets to live.

What are the ground rules for deciding who comes close and who remains distant? Let’s define the in/out extremes before we consider the massive grey area that lies between.

The Inner Circle

Trust and safety are non-negotiable criteria for admission to this proximity. You can add the presence of natural chemistry to the desire for closeness, but chemistry dissipates quickly if trust and safety are compromised. Likewise, shared history can carve a path toward the center as long as that pathway hasn’t normalized dysfunctional relationship dynamics. When toxic elements are baked into the recipe, presence in the inner circle perpetuates unhealthy exchanges rather than promoting wellness. So, longevity is not always a reliable variable in this equation.

The Outer Circle

The most likely criteria for distancing someone fall into two categories. First, we all have acquaintances who, for whatever reason, have only existed in peripheral proximity. Examples might include coworkers where the boundaries of the alliance prevent other forms of closeness. Perhaps old childhood neighborhood buddies or school friends simply live in separate space and time. Social media sometimes enables these connections to remain without the need to ever consider a different level of closeness.

The second category includes anyone who has been moved further away as a response to words or actions that violated the trust or safety rules of the circles closer to the center. They may have been expelled and may or may not have been afforded an opportunity to repair the damage and earn their way back in. Again, that is up to the owner of the ecosystem.

The Grey Area

This large space holds most of our connections and is in constant flux. Every action alters proximity to the center in incremental ways, often imperceptible until there’s some reason to take stock in someone’s relocation. Simple acts of kindness move people closer. Dismissive responses push people away. Shared experience accrues over time and inches partners inward. Neglect creates a gradual distance. The beauty of the grey area is the fluctuation.

Take a mental snapshot of your concentric circle map. More than identifying who lives where and why they are near or far, pay attention to the movement. Who is on their way in and why? Who is on their way out and why? It’s your circle. 

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

Apologizing is Difficult

Apologizing is Difficult

by | Apr 14, 2025 | Performance, Relationships, Wellness

There was a bad decision. It didn’t work out. People are talking. Your reputation has been stained. Now what? Own it? Full disclosure? “Umm…this happened. We’re sorry for the consequences. We wish we could take it back but, unfortunately, the damage is done. Here’s what we’re going to do next.”

Many years ago, I was heckled by two professors who believed I was under-credentialed to be speaking on the topic I had been hired by the college to present. When word of the event got to the college president, he was mortified by his faculty’s behavior, and he required my colleagues to formally apologize.

It was easy for the ringleader. In a monotone, he said, “sorry.” Absent of meaning, it sounded like a kid trying to get out of trouble. So, I said, “Say it like you mean it.” He paused, rolled his eyes, let out a deep sigh, and said, “SORRY.” Done.

His co-heckler took a different approach. She was embarrassed by having been led into unprofessionalism and wished she could rewind history. She sheepishly approached me, and she fell to tears. She explained that she had gotten caught up in the moment and had regretted her actions ever since.

Seeing that she was unable to find the right words to apologize, I encouraged her to let it go. Lesson learned. There was nothing more that either of us needed to make it right. Move on.

Apologizing is difficult. Here’s a template: I effed up. I didn’t intend to eff up, but I now see that I did. I’m sorry. I wish I could have a do-over, but that’s not the way life works. So, all I can do is apologize and try to do better in the future.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

Where Did You Get Your Spirit?

Where Did You Get Your Spirit?

by | Mar 31, 2025 | Performance, Relationships, Wellness

We are all some blend of our ancestors’ genetics and the environmental experience we’ve traveled. My mom was a creative and my dad was an engineer. She told captivating stories while he studied the ingredients on a catsup bottle. I got a little of both. But my environment shaped the outcome.

Nature or nurture? Face it, we all become some variation of our parents eventually – unless we see the landmines and decide to make changes. Perhaps the goal is to capture the best of previous generations and avoid the pitfalls of passing our pathology on to the next generation.

So how do you do that when most of the pathology you prefer not to pass along exists in your blind spot? An accountability partner is the answer. Maybe it’s your spouse who annoyingly points out all the words and behaviors that get under their skin. Perhaps it’s your most trusted coworker who has your best interests at heart and is awkwardly trying to find a tactful way to give you sensitive feedback.

Sometimes it’s your middle-of-the-night epiphany when you realize you are stepping in the same pile of dog do you stepped in before. The source of your insight matters less than the choice about what to do about it. Insight is worthless without action. Action is, likewise, meaningless unless it is sustained.

It’s about how you show up – not under normal circumstances – but under stressful conditions when your blind spots get activated. Make the unconscious conscious. Listen to the whispers that you might be, once again, becoming the parent you were trying not to be. Instead, become the person that your kids, friends, and coworkers will see as a role model.

This is how nurture beats nature.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

The Power of Nonverbal Communication

The Power of Nonverbal Communication

by | Jan 6, 2025 | Career, Counseling, Marriage & Family, Parenting, Relationships

It doesn’t take much of a physics lesson to understand how people share energy. Often, you can feel the vibe of a room within seconds of entering. Sometimes it’s just the space but, most of the time, it’s the people in the space. Emotions are contagious, positive or negative. You can lift or sink someone with a glance. And whether your energy-sharing partner is a friend or a stranger, you can be knocked off balance by imperceptible shifts in their mood.

If you’ve ever ‘felt’ someone’s presence, you’ve experienced the power of physics. Back in middle school, we used to have contests to see who could get the targeted classmate to turn around and look because they sensed they were being stared at. It works. Recently, a colleague described her son’s surprise when she anticipated his question. “I could feel you,” was her reply when he asked her how she managed to read his mind.

Communication is constant and not limited to the exchange of words. Words are useful tools for capturing detail and clarifying misunderstanding. Usually, however, the message has already been previewed by unspoken expression.

Furrowed brows, deep sighs, folded arms, clenched teeth, and eye rolls are among the loudest forms of nonverbal communication. They are barely nonverbal, as they are intended to send clear messages. More subtle, though, is the way the temperature and atmospheric conditions change in a space that is populated by someone with strong emotions.

We are all mind-readers, though not always accurate. Most frequently, our misperceptions are the result of unconscious bias and our brain’s need to predict a future that doesn’t conflict with our biases. The faster you rush to judgment, the more likely you are to misperceive. You’re both wrong and certain at the same moment.

Seek understanding relentlessly. Double and triple-check dialogues with “So, what I heard you say was…” verifications. Then, listen with both ears and ask again. Factor in the nonverbals until the message both spoken and unspoken are aligned.

If they don’t align, it’s most likely that the nonverbals hold the truth.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

Negotiating With Children

Negotiating With Children

by | Oct 15, 2024 | Marriage & Family, Parenting, Relationships

Multiple choice. What would you do with each scenario? Each option has longer term consequences beyond the immediate response to the challenge. Sometimes, that’s the decision: immediate relief versus lasting lesson.

Scenario #1

The challenge: It’s time to leave for school and your daughter refuses to wear the shoes you’ve selected.

Your options:

  1. Hold firm and brace yourself for a fight.
  2. Give in. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
  3. Threaten some delayed consequence if she doesn’t comply and hope she gives in.

Scenario #2

The challenge: The dinner you prepared (healthy) is met with protests from the kids. They are demanding an alternative (less healthy) or else refusing to eat.

Your options:

  1. Scramble to put a frozen pizza in the oven.
  2. Craft a lecture about the vicissitudes of healthy eating.
  3. Let them go hungry.

Scenario #3

The challenge: Your son times his tantrum with the arrival of your house guests. He insists on going to a friend’s house, which you’ve already nixed.

Your options:

  1. Let him go and save face with your guests.
  2. Hold the line and endure the embarrassment of your guests judging you as a bad parent.
  3. Provide an alternative version of entertainment that is better than hanging with friends.

Millennial parents have different priorities than their Boomer parents taught. Often, that’s the vibe of generational transitions – improve upon the experience of your family-of-origin. Of all the species on the planet, human lifespans have evolved to enable grandparent insight while the little ones are still little. Yet, the advice and guidance of the elders is not always relevant or welcomed.

What’s your scenario? How would your parents have handled it? Why would you manage it differently? Down the road, how would you imagine your kids will handle it when it’s your grandkids acting up?

Everything cycles.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.