When our clinicians participate in an intake discussion with a parent, one of the level-of-care thresholds is whether the struggle is healthy and normal. Every developmental stage includes a variation of struggle by its very nature. New skills only develop when the environmental conditions necessitate them.

In the beginning, the child lacks the coping ability to manage the situation. That mismatch sparks the need for a skill that hasn’t yet formed. Game on.

The most common parenting mistake is to soothe the struggle. Fixing the issue for the child might calm the household, but it short-circuits the kid’s movement toward solving their own problem. The well-intended parent just solved it for them. Unfortunately, the struggle must happen again and, hopefully, the parent will, this time, endure the discomfort long enough to let the emerging bud burst into a flower.

It’s hard to see your child in a state of discomfort. They, in turn, experience their parents’ anxiety and a contagious exchange is then ignited. Instinct clamors for stress reduction. The wise parent embraces the trouble as a growth opportunity.

Here’s the mantra: “I know this is hard and I’m confident in your ability to handle it.” Parents need to communicate this mantra at a time when they AREN’T confident in their child’s ability to manage the situation. This is what enables the struggle to become a coping skill.

Try it. Delay your gratification. Rather than expecting immediate maturation, observe how the struggle unfolds. Savor your kid’s new acquisition. The struggle always precedes the growth.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

Let’s challenge the notion that there’s nothing new under the sun. Navigating the journey through childhood and adolescence these days is nothing like the world these kids’ parents and grandparents traversed. To begin with, everything is more intense.

To make matters worse, the window of childhood has shrunken down to about ten years. Puberty and all of the other adult-level stressors launch at about 4^th grade. These kids’ parents are barely out of their 30s, about the age when adults start to figure out the parenting puzzle.

Fortunately, the modern parenting landscape isn’t as bleak as it sounds. Humans are the only mammal whose lifespan extends beyond childbearing capacity. Mothers have the opportunity to lean on grandmothers who lean on great-grandmothers. Fathers lean on grandfathers who lean on great-grandfathers.

While the landscape is nothing like the challenges faced by the two previous generations, the example of our elders still offers relevant guideposts. Whether it’s how to or how not to, the history and experience of our predecessors help to shape our current perspective and actions.

A colleague once shared that most of the good parenting decisions she and her husband had made were nothing more than luck plus experimentation based on what they knew didn’t work in their own histories. The kids weren’t born with instruction manuals and neither of them had been raised in families with reliable role modeling.

Eventually, we all figure it out. Learning from others, however, is far more efficient. Whether the guiding precedent comes in the form of a therapist, a parent, or a grandparent, why wait for life to solve its own puzzles?

Asking for help is a strength.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

When children are babies they rely completely on the goodwill of their parents. They communicate a need in an infantile way and the parent satisfies the request. Satisfaction for the child. Gratification for the parent.

Parenting adolescents is different than at any other stage of a family’s development. Suddenly, the fact that the culmination of these years will result in someone leaving the home begins to influence all behaviors and decisions. Kids start to spread their wings and parents react by clipping them back. Children assert their readiness for adulthood and parents point out examples of unpreparedness. Adolescents invite risks and parents struggle to maintain safety. In what seems to be the last opportunity for closeness the only thing that works is distance.

The only way to make it on your own is to experience the danger without rescue. If every fall is cushioned, the child not only fails to learn how to fall but never has the experience of getting back up. If life is free of conflict, coping skills need not develop. Without coping skills, the launch is a bust.

There is nothing in the world that is more difficult than letting your child fall. Even when you know it’s good for them, the choice to watch your child experience pain occurs completely against all instinct. The gut reaction is to help. The smart parent shows restraint.

Therein lies the rub. How does the parent get the gratification that comes from helping and rescuing when the situation calls for distant observation? Doesn’t the child have some degree of responsibility in making the parent feel needed? What kind of thanks is that after all that parents have done for their children over the course of nearly two decades? The least they could do would be to show a little appreciation. Parents have needs too, you know.

It’s a question of survival. Who will survive beyond the separation? Will the child be able to negotiate the nastiness of the world without their parents to protect them? Will the parents be able to find meaning in their lives without the role of caregiver and the responsibilities of nurturance? There is only one way to find out. Are you ready?

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

The last time I delivered my annual ‘boys talk’ (sex ed) to the 5^th graders in a local parochial school, I was surprised by the dichotomy of maturity and immaturity in the room. A kid with a few new facial hairs, a deepening voice, and a knowing look was sitting next to a boy whose face had just grown pale as he absorbed the gravity of anatomy depicted on the PowerPoint projected in graphic detail. The 11-year-old pre-adolescent was hearing the same message as the 11-year-old child – yet through a much different lens.

According to the National Institute of Health, puberty usually begins in girls between 8 and 13 years of age, and in boys between 9 and 14 years of age. That’s about four years younger than it was 100 years ago. The reasons are many. Regardless of why, the result is a shrunken childhood. By 5^th grade, our kids are face-to-face with myriad adult issues of serious gravity.

Our clinical team discusses these implications regularly. What is the impact of the adult world on kiddos barely old enough to process complexity beyond Pokémon character strength? Do 11-year-olds have the coping skills to make relationship decisions while their bodies are already releasing egg and sperm cells?

While we acknowledge the reality that enters our offices each day, we share a lack of preparedness for the consequences of shrunken childhood. We are adjusting our clinical methods regularly to accommodate rapid maturation. Importantly, we are also endeavoring not to.

We understand that children need to stay children as long as they possibly can. We value the developmental wisdom of slowing down and savoring the moment. At any given stage, there is a narrative that explains all behavior and a platform for the next stage of growth. The key is to discern the unique moment of each child’s stage of development, why they are there, and how to prepare for what is likely to unfold next.

It doesn’t matter whether your 5^th grader has underarm hair yet. What matters is that we – as parents, educators, and caregivers – read the moment. Tap the brakes.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.