Think about the last few social or professional interactions you’ve experienced. Some people fuel you; others drain you. The ‘fuelers’ share energy in a mutual exchange. The ‘drainers’ take more than they give. Their neediness leaves you feeling depleted. It’s as if there’s a hole in their bucket. No matter how much you pour in, it never fills.
Needy people don’t have the energy to be curious about or interested in others. They’re too consumed with getting noticed, validated, or filling some eternal approval gap. Often attributed to self-esteem issues, ‘drainers’ find ways to nudge friends, family, or coworkers into feeding their needs. Yet, there’s little reciprocation, and the relationships weaken. To sustain the relationship, the giving partner must be willing to tolerate the imbalance.
This dynamic is psychologically dysfunctional unless you’re formally in a caregiving role. Caregivers are professionally trained to manage relationships designed to meet the client’s needs. Parents get a similar dispensation given the built-in prioritization of their kids’ needs. Outside of those arrangements, the expectation of a one-way give/take amounts to a demand for free therapy.
A comprehensive commitment to wellness includes choosing healthy relationships. Consider an audit of your inner circle. Life is short, so social events, family gatherings, and workplace culture matter. To the extent that you have a choice, choose wisely. Decline some invitations and fire a few clients. Reboot the social network or kick off a job hunt, if necessary.
Stanford University’s ‘life design’ model includes a ‘Try Stuff’ exercise. The idea is to track the things (or people) that either energize or deplete you. After about a week of tracking, patterns emerge. What you do with that information is up to you. Yet, filling the fleeting time you have left with draining people or activities is questionable.
Pouring time and resources into a bucket with a hole in it only ensures that you’ll spend the rest of your life pouring time and resources into a bucket with a hole in it.