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Invisible Selves

Invisible Selves

by | Apr 14, 2021 | Marriage & Family, Parenting, Relationships

Humans have a tendency to be pretty self-centered. It’s not a criticism, it’s biology. We’re actually wired to diminish the complexity of other people’s experience while staying immersed in our own reality. It’s a great way to ensure we’ll care sufficiently for ourselves. It’s also a stopgap to make our experience of life more manageable and less overwhelming. But, of course, there’s an undesirable side-effect to this when we forget to put it in check.

If recent history has (re)taught us anything, it’s that nobody is immune to struggle. Even if you consider yourself one of the lucky ones – maybe you usually bounce back quickly from unexpected challenges, or you tend to find ways to skirt them – eventually a time comes when you just can’t. Or when a loved one is suddenly knocked off their feet and you find yourself powerless to help. Circumstances have a way of conspiring to take us by surprise when we’re least prepared.

Simplifying our understanding of other people makes us forget that their struggles are as real as ours – even if they’re invisible. It’s usually hardest to keep our biases in check during moments when we’re caught unaware. That self-centered biology kicks in to help us find clarity in a comfortable black-and-white conclusion. However, clarity is not always accuracy.

Whenever we create narratives about the type of person someone is, or what their lives must be like, we’re missing a big opportunity that would help both parties. What would happen if we recognized the “invisible self” – the one with complicated struggles and vulnerabilities – existing inside each of our friends, acquaintances and even the strangers we pass on the street?

This is hard. We have to suspend reality and endure the anxiety of not knowing until we can position ourselves behind the other person’s eyes. But there’s a reward. Trying to see someone’s invisible self is a powerful gift for both the giver and the recipient. It’s the gift of humble connection, of mutual grace, and, if we’re lucky, healing compassion.

I’ll be the first to admit it’s a very difficult gift to give sometimes. It’s easier to work on something in a familiar environment. So I have a suggestion: let’s make an effort to give it more at home to help build the habit. As well as we think we know them, our kids and our partners probably have invisible selves, too.

About the Author

Kerry Galarza, MS OTR/L is the Clinical Director and a pediatric occupational therapist at Elmhurst Counseling. She provides specialized assessment and intervention with children of all ages and their families. Kerry engages clients with naturally occurring, meaningful home-based methods to empower autonomy and maximize functioning.

Why Your Relationships Need Struggle

Why Your Relationships Need Struggle

by | Feb 28, 2018 | Relationships

Useful Pain: Why Your Relationships Need Struggle was written as an enticement for growth. The book is based on a simple concept: interactions between partners are necessary ingredients of growth. Of course, instinct tells us to make pain go away. The reward is relief from tension, fear, anxiety, depletion, or the treat of failure. But what would happen if we allowed the struggle to run its course without being soothed?

When two people embark on a risk together, decisions are driven by either the most fearless or most fearful person. Fearless partners push their apprehensive counterparts forward. Fearful partners pull their more confident partners back.

This dynamic push and pull generates creative tension in the relationship that forces either growth or stagnation. The symptoms most likely to appear when the risk is being negotiated is either eagerness for or resistance to change. When the more fearful partner is pulling, the relationship will react to fear of failure. When the more fearless partner is pushing, the relationship will react to being “out on a limb.” Of course, both fearlessness and fearfulness have value, depending on what’s at stake.

Adventure brings excitement to a relationship. Much like driving a car, you are less likely to take a risk if your have passengers on board than if you are traveling alone. In relationships, risk-taking must account for the consequences on all parties involved. The resulting struggle has purpose – learning how to keep moving forward while honoring the pace of the partnership – useful pain.

About the Author

Kerry Galarza, MS OTR/L is the Clinical Director and a pediatric occupational therapist at Elmhurst Counseling. She provides specialized assessment and intervention with children of all ages and their families. Kerry engages clients with naturally occurring, meaningful home-based methods to empower autonomy and maximize functioning.

How to become invisible

How to become invisible

by | Sep 13, 2017 | Relationships, Workplace

Whether in a business meeting or an interpersonal exchange, everybody knows what it feels like to be invisible. Your partner might be making eye contact but his or her attention is on other priorities. Your friend is thinking about the next thing he or she is about to say rather than listening to you. Colleagues are checking their smartphones during your presentation. It’s the classic portrayal of “presenteeism” – the body is present but the spirit is not. Consider these ways people become invisible:

1. Allow your knowledge to grow stale. 
In a world that evolves while you sleep, it takes a serious commitment to doing your homework to remain vibrant. In a 2:1 ratio, devote yourself to spending two hours learning about your partners, customers, and audience for every hour you invest in growing your own platform.

2. Take more than you give. 
As Adam Grant discusses in his 2013 masterpiece, Give and Take, “givers” who balance an appropriate blend of self-interest with other-interest create a tremendous amount of good will in their networks resulting in the eventual return on their investment. “Takers,” on the other hand, collect some early wins but, in the long run, end up alone (and invisible).

3. Prematurely declare “game over” following a set-back. 
The richness of success grows remarkably when fueled by the desperation of letdown. Those who give up early don’t live long enough to enjoy such wealth. When someone struggles in an endeavor, teammates instinctively distance themselves from the pain. Those brave few who endure the discomfort are rewarded for their courage and loyalty.

 

Have you become invisible?

 

About the Author

Steve Ritter is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, the Founder and Managing Director of the Midwest Institute & Center for Workplace Innovation, the Founder and CEO of the Team Clock Institute, and the author of Useful Pain: Why Your Relationships Need Struggle and Team Clock: A Guide to Breakthrough Teams. You can find Steve on LinkedIn.

When “Me” Becomes “We”

When “Me” Becomes “We”

by | Jun 1, 2017 | Relationships

Partners in relationships can be both selfish and altruistic. One person’s desire for achievement can overtake the priority of the wellness of the connection. When our own needs clamor for satisfaction, the greater good sometimes gets sacrificed. Few of us live in isolation. Most of us are members of friendships, romances, families, teams, and organizations where goals are shared.

A single partner’s priority of “me” rather than the “we” can grind the growth of a relationship to a halt. The couple can still move through the tasks of each day but they won’t enjoy the synergies that arise from true collaboration. The rewards of healthy connection are easier to accomplish as a team. However, these benefits are elusive without a commitment to honing a set of interactional competencies. The relationship thrives when the both partners are skilled at the following behaviors:

Sacrifice: placing other needs in front of your own.

Generosity: creating good will by sharing knowledge, assets, and resources.

Compromise: forging win-win opportunities.

Negotiation: balancing gains and losses respectfully.

Listening: seeing the world through another lens.

Collaboration: linking strengths to promote growth.

Coordination: conducting an orchestra of variables.

Interdependence: fusing your future outcomes with the path of another.

Relational aptitudes are learned. They are not in the traditional instruction manual of becoming an adult. The good news is that each day is filled with opportunities to practice. Take a walk around your circle of connections. Check in with your friends and lovers. Each exchange is a new tutorial.

About the Author

Kerry Galarza, MS OTR/L is the Clinical Director and a pediatric occupational therapist at Elmhurst Counseling. She provides specialized assessment and intervention with children of all ages and their families. Kerry engages clients with naturally occurring, meaningful home-based methods to empower autonomy and maximize functioning.