You’re stuck. You found yourself locked into a stressful situation. Your kid is struggling and you don’t know why. You’re angry and frustrated. Or maybe sad and wanting escape. There’s a good chance you’re experiencing all of those things.

It’s hardest to see the path to resolution when stressed. We usually default to old habits and only see the obvious factors of the situation. Our kids didn’t come with manuals and even the best parents rely on trial-and-error. No one wants to screw up their kid.

Parenting is hard, and it’s so much harder when it feels like the sky is falling. But before you start yelling or hide in your closet with a week’s worth of chocolate, first hit the pause button. Then gently shift your position to see what’s hiding in your blind spot.

Broader environmental influences are masters at disguise. They’re good at becoming part of the scenery even while they’re playing havoc with your child. Try these examples on for size:

• Your child’s routine is shifting under their feet. The rules that worked yesterday no longer apply.

• Your family has other stressors, and your child is feeling the weight without understanding why. Kids have no way of knowing they are not the owner of a larger family problem.

•  Your child’s internal environment is changing (illness, fatigue, developmental stops & starts) and he/she is busy playing catch up. There are so many variables in this human equation! 

•  Your child is butting up against a misfit between task demands and their current abilities. Sometimes we have to regress in order to build the skills demanded by new challenges.

Acknowledging sneaky environmental influences on your child’s behavior can go a long way in getting yourself unstuck. You can’t fight an enemy you can’t see, so recognition really is half the battle. Once you have a better idea of what you’re working with, you can then begin to tackle the problem piece by piece. And… ‘poof,’…you’re no longer stuck!

About the Author

Kerry Galarza, MS OTR/L is the Clinical Director and a pediatric occupational therapist at Elmhurst Counseling. She provides specialized assessment and intervention with children of all ages and their families. Kerry engages clients with naturally occurring, meaningful home-based methods to empower autonomy and maximize functioning.

When children are babies they rely completely on the goodwill of their parents. They communicate a need in an infantile way and the parent satisfies the request. Satisfaction for the child. Gratification for the parent.

Parenting adolescents is different than at any other stage of a family’s development. Suddenly, the fact that the culmination of these years will result in someone leaving the home begins to influence all behaviors and decisions. Kids start to spread their wings and parents react by clipping them back. Children assert their readiness for adulthood and parents point out examples of unpreparedness. Adolescents invite risks and parents struggle to maintain safety. In what seems to be the last opportunity for closeness the only thing that works is distance.

The function is clear. The only way to make it on your own is to experience the danger without rescue. If every fall is cushioned, the child not only fails to learn how to fall but never has the experience of getting back up. If life is free of conflict, coping skills need not develop. Without coping skills, the launch must be scrapped.

There is nothing in the world that is more difficult than letting your child fall. Even if you rationalize a justification for their learning, the choice to watch your child experience pain occurs completely against all instinct. The gut reaction is to help. The smart parent shows restraint.

Therein lies the rub.

How does the parent get the gratification that comes from helping and rescuing when the situation calls for distant observation?

Doesn’t the child have some degree of responsibility in making the parent feel needed? What kind of thanks is that after all that parents have done for their children over the course of nearly two decades. The least they could do would be to show a little appreciation. Parents have needs too, you know.

It’s a question of survival. Who will survive who beyond the separation? Will the child be able to negotiate the nastiness of the world without their parents to protect them? Will the parents be able to find meaning in their lives without the role of caregiver and the responsibilities of nurturance? There is only one way to find out. Are you ready?

About the Author

Kerry Galarza, MS OTR/L is the Clinical Director and a pediatric occupational therapist at Elmhurst Counseling. She provides specialized assessment and intervention with children of all ages and their families. Kerry engages clients with naturally occurring, meaningful home-based methods to empower autonomy and maximize functioning.