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Calming Dysregulation

Calming Dysregulation

by | Jun 22, 2025 | Counseling, Wellness

There are so many options when a child is upset. You can endure the power struggle and wait it out. You can set a firm limit and brace for the storm. You can give in to the tantrum and revisit the same issue later. You can seize the opportunity and teach coping skills.

Once a family struggle reaches our clinical office, most or all these options have been attempted. Parents typically wait until their tank is empty before investing in professional help. As it should be, we are a last resort.

Once the problem-solving challenge is in our hands, we try to put ourselves out of a job as soon as possible. The solution needs to work outside of the safety of the clinical setting. Once the family has the tools they need to navigate their circumstances more effectively, the therapist backs away.

The professional options are typically not discovered by trial-and-error. They are the tools learned in years of clinical training. Teaching heart rate variability, diaphragmatic breathing, and biofeedback techniques requires credentials and experience. What’s more, the technology employed to enable these interventions is not cheap.

Exhaust your common-sense solutions before you purchase a therapy engagement. But understand that reaching out to a professionally trained therapist is never a parenting failure – it is a path to the next level of resources. We are happy to transfer our knowledge to your family and then get out of the way when you’re ready to go it alone.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

Is Therapy a Necessity or a Luxury?

Is Therapy a Necessity or a Luxury?

by | Mar 23, 2025 | Counseling

Both. At first, families reach out because their own resources are exhausted, and they don’t know what to do. Eventually, things have stabilized, and the family has to decide whether to continue expensive sessions. It’s a tough moment. The urgency has passed, yet the routine seems good for the family.

The therapist’s job is to put themselves out of a job. Ideally, the client will begin to consolidate and internalize the gains of the alliance and move forward with their own resources.

At this point, it’s okay to bring the relationship to a close from the clinician’s point of view. Most often, however, families weigh the pros and cons of staying engaged – because the costs justify the benefits on a new scale.

Either way works. The continuity adds benefit even though the necessity has diminished. Likewise, the choice to take a break enables the family to build new coping skills and capitalize on the gains of the ‘necessity phase.’

Therapists adapt to both paths. When the family decides to continue, treatment goals and methods are adjusted to achieve the next level. When the family decides ‘mission accomplished,’ we celebrate growth and define conditions for reconnection.

Widen the lens. Clinical alliances are often long-term endeavors that unfold in phases. At any stage, the client is always the steward. Let us know when you no longer need us, and we will stand poised to jump back into action should your circumstances change.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

Does Your Mirror Offer a Kind Reflection?

Does Your Mirror Offer a Kind Reflection?

by | Jan 23, 2025 | Career, Counseling, Performance, Wellness

How are you? Really – not the ‘How ya doin’ that isn’t really a question but more of a greeting – but a genuine curiosity about how you’re actually coping these days. Have you been able to live day-to-day according to your values? Are your interactions with your family, friends, and colleagues meaningful? Are you growing? Are you navigating change – both the expected and unexpected kinds – with resilience?

Take a snapshot. At any given phase of life, some of these aspirations may have become compromised. There’s always a reason and, often, it feels beyond your control. Other than the times when we’re all capable of making a regrettable choice, the bulk of our challenges require creative problem-solving. So, the ‘How are you?’ question is really an invitation to do a quick assessment. Take a look in the mirror, make eye contact, and evaluate yourself in this moment in time.

Try to imagine some of the possible outcomes. After looking in the mirror and asking the tough questions, you might discover (or, once again, be reminded that):

  • You tolerate disrespect from others.
  • You have made choices that don’t align with your values.
  • The discomfort of conflict leads you to not stand up for yourself.
  • You tend not to follow through with commitments.
  • You fear the vulnerability of closeness.
  • You settle for ‘good enough’ instead of trying new things.
  • Your anxiety becomes overwhelming during periods of change.
  • You find it difficult to bounce back after a disappointment.

Any one of these examples will become life game-changers if addressed. The cost of normalizing their consequences has probably worn you down for a long time. You either didn’t know what to do or you decided that the consequences aren’t as painful as the fix. Either way, a fresh opportunity is now before you.

Or – maybe – your mirror offered a kind reflection. If so, you’re in one of those rare moments when the wind is at your back and the sun is shining. All is well. Nothing is broken so nothing needs to be fixed. Your health is good, your career is on a positive trajectory, and all of your relationships are thriving. Grab your gratitude journal and make an entry.

But if your moment with your mirror reveals otherwise, you’ve been given the gift of insight. Now what? You can either let the clarifying perspective be enough or you can use it as fuel for action. As we’ve all learned many times over, knowing what to do and doing it are different competencies. All you have to do is return to the mirror exercise in about a month to see which path you took.

Because if nothing changes, nothing changes.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

The Power of Nonverbal Communication

The Power of Nonverbal Communication

by | Jan 6, 2025 | Career, Counseling, Marriage & Family, Parenting, Relationships

It doesn’t take much of a physics lesson to understand how people share energy. Often, you can feel the vibe of a room within seconds of entering. Sometimes it’s just the space but, most of the time, it’s the people in the space. Emotions are contagious, positive or negative. You can lift or sink someone with a glance. And whether your energy-sharing partner is a friend or a stranger, you can be knocked off balance by imperceptible shifts in their mood.

If you’ve ever ‘felt’ someone’s presence, you’ve experienced the power of physics. Back in middle school, we used to have contests to see who could get the targeted classmate to turn around and look because they sensed they were being stared at. It works. Recently, a colleague described her son’s surprise when she anticipated his question. “I could feel you,” was her reply when he asked her how she managed to read his mind.

Communication is constant and not limited to the exchange of words. Words are useful tools for capturing detail and clarifying misunderstanding. Usually, however, the message has already been previewed by unspoken expression.

Furrowed brows, deep sighs, folded arms, clenched teeth, and eye rolls are among the loudest forms of nonverbal communication. They are barely nonverbal, as they are intended to send clear messages. More subtle, though, is the way the temperature and atmospheric conditions change in a space that is populated by someone with strong emotions.

We are all mind-readers, though not always accurate. Most frequently, our misperceptions are the result of unconscious bias and our brain’s need to predict a future that doesn’t conflict with our biases. The faster you rush to judgment, the more likely you are to misperceive. You’re both wrong and certain at the same moment.

Seek understanding relentlessly. Double and triple-check dialogues with “So, what I heard you say was…” verifications. Then, listen with both ears and ask again. Factor in the nonverbals until the message both spoken and unspoken are aligned.

If they don’t align, it’s most likely that the nonverbals hold the truth.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

Behind the Therapy Door

Behind the Therapy Door

by | Nov 14, 2024 | Counseling

The stereotype of a counseling session portrays a face-to-face conversation between therapist and client. Often, the exchange is not what you would expect. Not everyone is comfortable talking about their problems.

Some people express their feelings in ways that don’t rely on words. Games, for instance, become metaphors for the challenges a kid might be facing outside of the office. It might be safer to defeat your therapist than it is to take on a bully in the school hallway.

A poem or a song might better capture the nuances of an adult’s situation than a narrative about their life history. When a creative alternative is provided to a client, the traditional face-to-face dialogue usually follows. The goal is to provide a platform for problem-solving. How we get there has many paths.

At Elmhurst Counseling, both kids and grownups are finding outlets for creative expression. To an outsider, it probably looks like the agenda is to play games, solve puzzles, draw pictures, write stories, compose songs, and build crafts. Frequently, that impression is true. These are among the tools we employ with children and adults.

Creative play lowers the barriers to conversation. While the 8-year-old is building a Lego world, he doesn’t realize that he is crafting a parallel universe to his third-grade classroom. When the superheroes battle in the therapy office, he is learning coping strategies for navigating conflicts with siblings and peers.

When the 19-year-old pens song lyrics about a romantic breakup, she might not understand that the minor-key chords suggested to support the lyrics capture the sadness she is trying to express. She just feels understood.

Counseling and therapy take many forms. Sometimes it is as simple as two people sitting across from each other sharing a dialogue about sensitive topics. More often, however, it’s about the therapist reading the client’s unique path of expression and tailoring the clinical environment to enable that language. What would make you most comfortable?

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

Protecting the Bubble

Protecting the Bubble

by | Aug 25, 2023 | Counseling, Marriage & Family, Parenting

Those of us who take care of kids professionally have a unique perspective. We see both the parenting strategies of the caregivers and the consequences on child development. Breaking news: they’re related.

If you parent from a helicopter, it’s not realistic to expect your kids to develop autonomy. They will defer to your judgment, especially when the circumstances involve risk and you make it a habit to swoop in and prevent crisis. Heaven forbid that my kid falls and gets hurt.

If you prefer to fight your kid’s battles on their behalf, don’t expect your child to learn how to stand up for themselves. Instead, they will protest past your patience threshold so you are compelled to solve the problem just to quiet the noise. It’s all about anxiety reduction – yours as much as theirs.

We treat anxiety as though it is poison. Soothe the symptom as soon as possible rather than considering the problem that generates the stress. If our efforts are focused on symptom reduction, the problem is guaranteed to send its roots deeper.

What if parents set the example and looked the discomfort straight in the eye until, despite the discomfort, the reason became clear? Solve THAT problem. Parents learn how to parent, and kids learn how to grow.

As long as our adult decisions are guided by achieving peace and quiet, our children will compel us to make them happy. If making kids happy is the goal, we have to sacrifice the construction of healthy coping skills and resilience.

True happiness doesn’t result from removing conflict from life experience. It comes from the evolving capacity to manage life’s challenges effectively. That ability only unfolds when coping is required.

It rubs against all instinct to let your kid fall. Imagine teaching your child to ride a bike in hopes of seeing them learn how to maintain balance. How long to you hold on to the back of the seat as you run up and down the sidewalk? The ability to balance only emerges at the moment that you let go of the seat.

 

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.