Think about the people in your life who seem to have it all together. Do they have the golden secret to life’s mastery, or is there more going on under the surface? Most of us work hard to keep our deepest struggles from showing. Everyone has something heavy going on, whether or not it’s visible. A common metaphor is the duck gliding across the water with webbed feet below the surface, paddling like mad yet invisible to observers. Another symbol is the oppressive weight of the backpack the kid carries through school, while teachers and classmates remain unaware of the home life trauma bearing down on him. Whatever the hidden narrative, there are three key ingredients to the recipe for staying well amidst the struggle.

Life’s journey presents us with obstacles every day. Sometimes it’s something small like bad traffic. Other times, it’s a big deal like a serious injury or a lost loved-one. Big or small, our coping skills get activated. When you step back and evaluate your own coping effectiveness over time, you’ll notice some common themes that are present when things go well: adaptability, growth, and clarity.

Adaptability begins with humility. The acknowledgment that you don’t know what to do triggers problem-solving efforts. Define the challenge and consider options. Weigh the pros and cons of each option and select a path forward. Execute the plan and evaluate the outcome. When it’s all said and done, resilience invites you back into the journey with an expanded set of tools.

Growth is fueled by resilience. What was previously depleting is now energizing. Rather than fearing the next obstacle, the buzz that accompanies growth makes you eager for more. Curiosity leads to exploration, which, in turn, leads to discovery. An upward spiral of learning creates benchmarks of maturity.

Clarity is the reward for maturation. Your history connects with your identity. The reasons for the themes and patterns that define your path start to make sense. I am who I am because of my struggles, not in spite of them. The list of unresolved issues that lurk in your blind spot shrinks with each new epiphany. That ‘ah-ha!’ feels satisfying.

Emotional wellness isn’t some gift that some of us receive and others don’t. It is the culmination of a succession of coping responses to the challenges that life places in our path. It is the hard-earned accrual of tools and resources we call upon when we revisit the common problems. It’s the willingness to build new skills when the problems are unfamiliar. Those people in your circle who seem to have it all together most likely have a long story that explains how they got there.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

An emerging awareness of the need for help usually begins long before the request. Perhaps there’s pride on the line for proving self-sufficiency. Maybe the benefit of a few failures hasn’t yet been realized. For some, the extra resources aren’t within reach. Either way, the request for help frequently escalates to a crisis state before it’s communicated.

One of the roles of a teammate is to anticipate needs. When people are in sync, partners know when to stay back or step in. It’s a form of mind-reading. If you’ve ever been asked if everything is alright, a friend, loved-one, or coworker has noticed that something is off. You might be initially surprised that you telegraphed your struggle after trying so hard to not let it show. But emotions are contagious.

You don’t have to witness a clenched jaw to know that someone you care about is stressed. The forehead’s worry lines don’t have to deepen to see that your partner is concerned about something. And, as we’ve all witnessed, the change in room temperature is palpable when anger is about to erupt.

Become a mind reader. Tune in to the shared emotion of the relationship. Follow your hunch about what might be going on. Maybe you’re on target and maybe you’re not. If you misread the room, at least you’ve been given an opportunity to better understand your teammate’s challenge. If you hit a bullseye, your teammate feels heard and becomes immediately grateful.

Asking for help is seldom a verbal expression. Many times, it’s communicated by an odd look in someone’s eye, an unexplained emotion, or an unexpected hesitation. When the nonverbal message comes through, the benefits of prevention or, at least, early detection present themselves.

It’s a solution to feeling stuck for those who can admit they’re stymied. It’s an invitation to a coach, teacher, or mentor to weigh in with a different perspective. It’s the acknowledgement that we’re only alone when we block access to the ecosystem of support that connects us to tools, resources, and new ways of seeing things.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.