Think about the people in your life who seem to have it all together. Do they have the golden secret to life’s mastery, or is there more going on under the surface? Most of us work hard to keep our deepest struggles from showing. Everyone has something heavy going on, whether or not it’s visible. A common metaphor is the duck gliding across the water with webbed feet below the surface, paddling like mad yet invisible to observers. Another symbol is the oppressive weight of the backpack the kid carries through school, while teachers and classmates remain unaware of the home life trauma bearing down on him. Whatever the hidden narrative, there are three key ingredients to the recipe for staying well amidst the struggle.

Life’s journey presents us with obstacles every day. Sometimes it’s something small like bad traffic. Other times, it’s a big deal like a serious injury or a lost loved-one. Big or small, our coping skills get activated. When you step back and evaluate your own coping effectiveness over time, you’ll notice some common themes that are present when things go well: adaptability, growth, and clarity.

Adaptability begins with humility. The acknowledgment that you don’t know what to do triggers problem-solving efforts. Define the challenge and consider options. Weigh the pros and cons of each option and select a path forward. Execute the plan and evaluate the outcome. When it’s all said and done, resilience invites you back into the journey with an expanded set of tools.

Growth is fueled by resilience. What was previously depleting is now energizing. Rather than fearing the next obstacle, the buzz that accompanies growth makes you eager for more. Curiosity leads to exploration, which, in turn, leads to discovery. An upward spiral of learning creates benchmarks of maturity.

Clarity is the reward for maturation. Your history connects with your identity. The reasons for the themes and patterns that define your path start to make sense. I am who I am because of my struggles, not in spite of them. The list of unresolved issues that lurk in your blind spot shrinks with each new epiphany. That ‘ah-ha!’ feels satisfying.

Emotional wellness isn’t some gift that some of us receive and others don’t. It is the culmination of a succession of coping responses to the challenges that life places in our path. It is the hard-earned accrual of tools and resources we call upon when we revisit the common problems. It’s the willingness to build new skills when the problems are unfamiliar. Those people in your circle who seem to have it all together most likely have a long story that explains how they got there.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

An emerging awareness of the need for help usually begins long before the request. Perhaps there’s pride on the line for proving self-sufficiency. Maybe the benefit of a few failures hasn’t yet been realized. For some, the extra resources aren’t within reach. Either way, the request for help frequently escalates to a crisis state before it’s communicated.

One of the roles of a teammate is to anticipate needs. When people are in sync, partners know when to stay back or step in. It’s a form of mind-reading. If you’ve ever been asked if everything is alright, a friend, loved-one, or coworker has noticed that something is off. You might be initially surprised that you telegraphed your struggle after trying so hard to not let it show. But emotions are contagious.

You don’t have to witness a clenched jaw to know that someone you care about is stressed. The forehead’s worry lines don’t have to deepen to see that your partner is concerned about something. And, as we’ve all witnessed, the change in room temperature is palpable when anger is about to erupt.

Become a mind reader. Tune in to the shared emotion of the relationship. Follow your hunch about what might be going on. Maybe you’re on target and maybe you’re not. If you misread the room, at least you’ve been given an opportunity to better understand your teammate’s challenge. If you hit a bullseye, your teammate feels heard and becomes immediately grateful.

Asking for help is seldom a verbal expression. Many times, it’s communicated by an odd look in someone’s eye, an unexplained emotion, or an unexpected hesitation. When the nonverbal message comes through, the benefits of prevention or, at least, early detection present themselves.

It’s a solution to feeling stuck for those who can admit they’re stymied. It’s an invitation to a coach, teacher, or mentor to weigh in with a different perspective. It’s the acknowledgement that we’re only alone when we block access to the ecosystem of support that connects us to tools, resources, and new ways of seeing things.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

When people think about therapy, they typically imagine walking into an office to solve a problem that they’ve not been able to tackle without help. You put your trust in a trained, credentialed expert and hope for relief or some improvement to your quality of life. In many cases, this is exactly what happens. But not always.

Sometimes, it’s not the therapist who makes the difference. It’s the environment. When a client feels safe and free to explore, discovery happens. Beyond the textbook diagnosis, treatment planning, and outcome measurement that happen in every clinical alliance, there is a vibe established between the problem-solving partners where the relationship becomes the catalyst for growth and change. The office space is the medium for this exchange.

We call our pediatric office ‘Your Play Space.’ Our adult space communicates the same invitation. As soon as a family walks in, they sense permission to explore, create, experiment, and discover. It might be with a game, puzzle, or blank whiteboard with unlimited colors of markers. It might be with a musical instrument or a blank pad of paper and a pen. Whatever the tool, new insights and coping skills unfold.

The fun that inevitably follows is not an alternative to research-informed clinical technique. It is simply the conditions that make innovative therapy possible. The client may not be aware, for instance, that self-regulation is strengthening as they experiment with biofeedback software that plays like a game. Yet from week to week, their capacity to find calm when something upsetting occurs increases.

No one really knows what happens in the clinical office after the door closes. Often, it’s not what you’d imagine. The hour that transpires after the door closes is when the space comes alive and the connection between client and therapist becomes a platform for healing and growth.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

There are so many options when a child is upset. You can endure the power struggle and wait it out. You can set a firm limit and brace for the storm. You can give in to the tantrum and revisit the same issue later. You can seize the opportunity and teach coping skills.

Once a family struggle reaches our clinical office, most or all these options have been attempted. Parents typically wait until their tank is empty before investing in professional help. As it should be, we are a last resort.

Once the problem-solving challenge is in our hands, we try to put ourselves out of a job as soon as possible. The solution needs to work outside of the safety of the clinical setting. Once the family has the tools they need to navigate their circumstances more effectively, the therapist backs away.

The professional options are typically not discovered by trial-and-error. They are the tools learned in years of clinical training. Teaching heart rate variability, diaphragmatic breathing, and biofeedback techniques requires credentials and experience. What’s more, the technology employed to enable these interventions is not cheap.

Exhaust your common-sense solutions before you purchase a therapy engagement. But understand that reaching out to a professionally trained therapist is never a parenting failure – it is a path to the next level of resources. We are happy to transfer our knowledge to your family and then get out of the way when you’re ready to go it alone.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.