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Apologizing is Difficult

Apologizing is Difficult

by | Apr 14, 2025 | Performance, Relationships, Wellness

There was a bad decision. It didn’t work out. People are talking. Your reputation has been stained. Now what? Own it? Full disclosure? “Umm…this happened. We’re sorry for the consequences. We wish we could take it back but, unfortunately, the damage is done. Here’s what we’re going to do next.”

Many years ago, I was heckled by two professors who believed I was under-credentialed to be speaking on the topic I had been hired by the college to present. When word of the event got to the college president, he was mortified by his faculty’s behavior, and he required my colleagues to formally apologize.

It was easy for the ringleader. In a monotone, he said, “sorry.” Absent of meaning, it sounded like a kid trying to get out of trouble. So, I said, “Say it like you mean it.” He paused, rolled his eyes, let out a deep sigh, and said, “SORRY.” Done.

His co-heckler took a different approach. She was embarrassed by having been led into unprofessionalism and wished she could rewind history. She sheepishly approached me, and she fell to tears. She explained that she had gotten caught up in the moment and had regretted her actions ever since.

Seeing that she was unable to find the right words to apologize, I encouraged her to let it go. Lesson learned. There was nothing more that either of us needed to make it right. Move on.

Apologizing is difficult. Here’s a template: I effed up. I didn’t intend to eff up, but I now see that I did. I’m sorry. I wish I could have a do-over, but that’s not the way life works. So, all I can do is apologize and try to do better in the future.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

Where Did You Get Your Spirit?

Where Did You Get Your Spirit?

by | Mar 31, 2025 | Performance, Relationships, Wellness

We are all some blend of our ancestors’ genetics and the environmental experience we’ve traveled. My mom was a creative and my dad was an engineer. She told captivating stories while he studied the ingredients on a catsup bottle. I got a little of both. But my environment shaped the outcome.

Nature or nurture? Face it, we all become some variation of our parents eventually – unless we see the landmines and decide to make changes. Perhaps the goal is to capture the best of previous generations and avoid the pitfalls of passing our pathology on to the next generation.

So how do you do that when most of the pathology you prefer not to pass along exists in your blind spot? An accountability partner is the answer. Maybe it’s your spouse who annoyingly points out all the words and behaviors that get under their skin. Perhaps it’s your most trusted coworker who has your best interests at heart and is awkwardly trying to find a tactful way to give you sensitive feedback.

Sometimes it’s your middle-of-the-night epiphany when you realize you are stepping in the same pile of dog do you stepped in before. The source of your insight matters less than the choice about what to do about it. Insight is worthless without action. Action is, likewise, meaningless unless it is sustained.

It’s about how you show up – not under normal circumstances – but under stressful conditions when your blind spots get activated. Make the unconscious conscious. Listen to the whispers that you might be, once again, becoming the parent you were trying not to be. Instead, become the person that your kids, friends, and coworkers will see as a role model.

This is how nurture beats nature.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

Is Therapy a Necessity or a Luxury?

Is Therapy a Necessity or a Luxury?

by | Mar 23, 2025 | Counseling

Both. At first, families reach out because their own resources are exhausted, and they don’t know what to do. Eventually, things have stabilized, and the family has to decide whether to continue expensive sessions. It’s a tough moment. The urgency has passed, yet the routine seems good for the family.

The therapist’s job is to put themselves out of a job. Ideally, the client will begin to consolidate and internalize the gains of the alliance and move forward with their own resources.

At this point, it’s okay to bring the relationship to a close from the clinician’s point of view. Most often, however, families weigh the pros and cons of staying engaged – because the costs justify the benefits on a new scale.

Either way works. The continuity adds benefit even though the necessity has diminished. Likewise, the choice to take a break enables the family to build new coping skills and capitalize on the gains of the ‘necessity phase.’

Therapists adapt to both paths. When the family decides to continue, treatment goals and methods are adjusted to achieve the next level. When the family decides ‘mission accomplished,’ we celebrate growth and define conditions for reconnection.

Widen the lens. Clinical alliances are often long-term endeavors that unfold in phases. At any stage, the client is always the steward. Let us know when you no longer need us, and we will stand poised to jump back into action should your circumstances change.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

Macro, Mezzo, and Micro Wellness

Macro, Mezzo, and Micro Wellness

by | Feb 4, 2025 | Career, Performance, Wellness

It would be a mistake to view your work team, your closest interpersonal relationship, and your own growth and development as separate experiences. You are at the center of each of these universes and uniquely drive the wellness and vibe of each one. Your strengths dictate how well you interact with the environment (micro), your friends and family (mezzo), and your workplace culture (macro). Unfortunately (or fortunately), your personality glitches, poor coping skills under stress, and unresolved psychological issues have plenty of impact, too.

The reason this might be fortunate is because the same arrow points to the same opportunity within all your walks of life. If you don’t play nice in the sandbox at work, you probably don’t at home either. If you struggle with social anxiety, you probably battle stress demons personally, as well. If you are struggling to find direction in life, it’s pretty likely that your career path is not perfectly aligned with your values. Our strengths and struggles both play out wherever and however we spend our waking hours (probably our sleeping hours, too).

The opportunity is to find the commonalities in all three venues, micro, mezzo, and macro. Ask the same question in three different phrasings. Most likely, all three answers will be the same. If they are, it may be time to address the issue that seems to have become pervasive. Life is short. Why not now? Does it hurt enough yet?

Here are some examples of questions that might unveil growth opportunities (and perhaps lead to a better night’s sleep):

You tolerate disrespect.

  • Micro: Am I neglecting my health and wellness in any way?
  • Mezzo: Do I allow others to say or do hurtful things to me?
  • Macro: Are words and actions that could undermine our team culture tolerated?

The discomfort of conflict leads you to not stand up for yourself.

  • Micro: Does life seem to go better when I avoid confrontation?
  • Mezzo: Do we take time to process the changes that unfold in our relationship?
  • Macro: Does my team work best when conflict is avoided?

You struggle with accountability.

  • Micro: Can I be trusted to follow through with my commitments?
  • Mezzo: Are expectations and responsibilities clear in our partnership?
  • Macro: Does my team have a clear understanding of our collective roles?

You fear the vulnerability of closeness.

  • Micro: Do I feel close to those in my inner circle?
  • Mezzo: Is our connection growing closer or more distant?
  • Macro: Do I have trusted colleagues on my team?

You settle for ‘good enough’ instead of trying new things.

  • Micro: Do I hesitate to stretch myself and try new things?
  • Mezzo: Do we support each other’s growth?
  • Macro: Is creativity encouraged or do we tend to stick to what’s worked in the past?

You find it difficult to bounce back after a disappointment.

  • Micro: Am I able to move forward following a setback?
  • Mezzo: Are we able to see the opportunities that arise from change?
  • Macro: Does our team have trouble getting back on track following a loss?

It is the rare human who is consistently free of struggle. Whether the pain manifests itself at work, home, or in exchanges with friends and/or lovers is merely symptom identification. The problem that generates the system affects all three, whether or not it’s being telegraphed.

That’s the good news. If you fix it in one place, the other locales enjoy the benefit. Both pain and pleasure are shared experiences and are wildly contagious. Your mirror, friends, and colleagues will thank you. They might not understand why things with you are better, but everyone, everywhere, will feel the difference.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.

Does Your Mirror Offer a Kind Reflection?

Does Your Mirror Offer a Kind Reflection?

by | Jan 23, 2025 | Career, Counseling, Performance, Wellness

How are you? Really – not the ‘How ya doin’ that isn’t really a question but more of a greeting – but a genuine curiosity about how you’re actually coping these days. Have you been able to live day-to-day according to your values? Are your interactions with your family, friends, and colleagues meaningful? Are you growing? Are you navigating change – both the expected and unexpected kinds – with resilience?

Take a snapshot. At any given phase of life, some of these aspirations may have become compromised. There’s always a reason and, often, it feels beyond your control. Other than the times when we’re all capable of making a regrettable choice, the bulk of our challenges require creative problem-solving. So, the ‘How are you?’ question is really an invitation to do a quick assessment. Take a look in the mirror, make eye contact, and evaluate yourself in this moment in time.

Try to imagine some of the possible outcomes. After looking in the mirror and asking the tough questions, you might discover (or, once again, be reminded that):

  • You tolerate disrespect from others.
  • You have made choices that don’t align with your values.
  • The discomfort of conflict leads you to not stand up for yourself.
  • You tend not to follow through with commitments.
  • You fear the vulnerability of closeness.
  • You settle for ‘good enough’ instead of trying new things.
  • Your anxiety becomes overwhelming during periods of change.
  • You find it difficult to bounce back after a disappointment.

Any one of these examples will become life game-changers if addressed. The cost of normalizing their consequences has probably worn you down for a long time. You either didn’t know what to do or you decided that the consequences aren’t as painful as the fix. Either way, a fresh opportunity is now before you.

Or – maybe – your mirror offered a kind reflection. If so, you’re in one of those rare moments when the wind is at your back and the sun is shining. All is well. Nothing is broken so nothing needs to be fixed. Your health is good, your career is on a positive trajectory, and all of your relationships are thriving. Grab your gratitude journal and make an entry.

But if your moment with your mirror reveals otherwise, you’ve been given the gift of insight. Now what? You can either let the clarifying perspective be enough or you can use it as fuel for action. As we’ve all learned many times over, knowing what to do and doing it are different competencies. All you have to do is return to the mirror exercise in about a month to see which path you took.

Because if nothing changes, nothing changes.

About the Author

Steve Ritter, LCSW is the Founder and Executive Director of Elmhurst Counseling. He has served as a teacher, author, consultant, human resources director, health care administrator, and licensed clinical social worker since 1977. A fellow of the American College of Healthcare Executives, Steve has provided coaching, therapy and team development services to thriving schools, businesses and organizations.